Oh Wow!

So my last post on here was in March, I think, and for some reason since then my life has become so much fuller and richer and so amazing. But that being said I let myself get really lazy, really lazy, just recently went back to the gym after months of not going (sorry mom and dad, I will make up for it). I am so out of shape and I decided that I had to get on the scale and see after tonight trying on a bunch of pairs of jeans and all of them made me feel so fat, when they are jeans that used to fall off me, grrrrrrrrrr!!! I got on the scale and really don't want to say what I got back up to but it is sad and so disappointing. I knew that I was getting bigger too just kind of ignored it cause I have been so happy lately but that is not an excuse to let myself go! The new me is BACK! I am not giving in, not going to do it. I have to get back down to 140, hopefully 130 one day but we will focus on 145 as my first goal and have to get there by Christmas, then can work the rest of my booty off in the new year. So here I am again asking for your help and support, sorry for letting it go, being happy and content is not a good reason to let myself go back. I am quitting the eating out all the time, gonna cook A LOT more, and mostly it is back to the gym as much as possible, gotta do it. So please pray for me and this journey again, I will not go back to how I was. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy with myself and feel like i look great but I did slack big time and need to get back on track. Thanks those of you who noticed (I know that you did) for not pointing it out and making me feel like crap, you knew I would figure it out. It was the pics from the lake that made me start looking cause I look so much bigger than before dang it!! Ok so here we go again, good thing this is a good time to start getting organized with life and getting on a schedule again. If anyone still reads this sorry I left for so long and I will be updating soon!

What a Journey...

For the most part I am happy, content, enjoying life and feeling good. Then there are the times late at night when it is just me, alone with my thoughts, thankful to have a place to get them out. I was getting to a point where I was feeling pretty down about my body situation. I want to get down to my goal so badly but seem so stuck. Tonight I decided to look back, a very difficult thing to do, brings up a lot for me. Takes me back to some really hard times but I think it is important to remember the journey and realize how far I have come. I will be adding pictures to make my points. I went back in my photo library to my biggest days, pregnant with Ruby and after having her, up to 220 pounds, 220!!! Can't believe I was ever that big, hated myself, hated my life, and was not in any way the person I wanted to be. Then that August 2008 you see a difference, that is when I was coming to terms that my marriage was ending and it was time to change my life, my attitude, and my body.

So slowly the pictures start changing, my smile starts changing, there are actually more pictures of me cause I actually let them be taken. And I keep shrinking, seems easily looking at the pictures but it was a lot of work and a whole lot of change. As I was changing so much was happening, oh so much. I had to leave the safety of my marriage and step out on my own and that in itself was such a huge part of my life. You can't believe how proud I am of myself for that. I did it people, I got out and I made it through, I NEVER could have dreamed of that at one point in my life but I did it. You have no idea how trapped I was, how miserable I was. I am sorry if this is too hard for some people but I was a broken person and I put myself back together, of course with all the glory to God, couldn't make it through this whole thing without Gods love and mercy.

So back to tonight, as I look in the mirror and see all the parts of me that I wish I could change or looking around and seeing all the smaller people and me just wishing I could get to this one weight and one particular size. I had to say, "Wake up, doofus! You did it, look what you did" I became someone that I am so proud of, I am strong, I am confident, I am happy, I am healthy, I am free and I am beautiful, no matter what anyone thinks. So all you tiny little chicks at the gym, good for you, go for it but I don't need to be like you, I am so happy to be me. I made huge accomplishments, I went from a size 20 to a size 10 (sometimes 8, and will be 8), never even measured all the inches I lost. I went from being a stay at home mom to a single working mom that is doing good and loving life. I have had the greatest support system and that is so huge and I can't thank you all enough. My family, my parents especially, I wouldn't be who I am without you and you are truly my heroes. My sisters, cousins, aunts, everyone! My girlfriends, Kristy and Jayma, thanks for helping me become single and for being there for me no matter what. So many of you for your support and comments on my blog, keeping me going!

So I started today again on the hard work, I will get to my goal cause I know that I can, keep up the support.

This is one of the pictures from 4th of July and it is one that I remember seeing and hating, never felt so fat, decided I needed to do something about it. So I did.

I love this picture, no I am not tiny by any means but I think that I look great and I am no longer trying to hide behind my beautiful kids.

And then there is my best friend who has been there since we were kids, she loved me even when I didn't love me and got me through so much, love you.

Now I can feel great going out with my gorgeous best friend, thank you so much for being there through it all, here is to growing into hot old ladies together!

This is from probably my biggest days and my wonderful family and friends loved me no matter what but I had to love myself. I HATE this picture but it really helps me on a day like today when I am feeling fat, I am NOT fat!

Celebrating in Vegas, look at the hotties! I LOVE this picture!

Need motivation...

o have been feeling a bit stuck in this rut, still can't get on the scale but I did try on some clothes. First of all different parts of me are smaller and some are a bit bigger, not ok with that but it comes with the working out. My legs are very firm and toned but also a bit bigger so all my spring/summer stuff from last year still fit even though I was hoping they would be too big, but I still plan to work on that. However I am trimming my mid-section, back and arms, I am liking the results.

I have a dress that is special to me. My mom bought it for me when I was getting ready for my wedding, so I was 19 and in the best shape ever. I wore it the first few months of my marriage but then it quickly became too small and then one day it was not even an option, couldn't get any part of me into it. I leant it to my friend Emily in California for a special date with her husband and she looked awesome in it and I was super jealous cause I love that dress and realized it would never fit again. She eventually mailed it back to me after we became separated in the military world. I have had it sitting around since then, tried it on when I started losing weight and it just has never fit, has a zipper that goes up the side and kept getting to the point I could get in it but not zipped up, guess what? IT ZIPPED!!!! I was so happy!

Here is the plan though. I am currently working hard on getting back on my thyroid meds so I can get my metabolism back on track. Gonna get going harder with the Alli, been skipping it too much and the eating out thing is over and done with, special occasions only! Had Taco bell tonight but they have a great "fresco" menu option, get a taco with lower calories, love it! I will get be going and getting me a nice pair of size 8 jeans here soon, that is still the goal. And I will get down to 127 one day, happy where I am but I want to be "normal" for once in my adult life, instead of "over-weight" thankfully I am no longer "obese" or scarily "morbidly obese"!

Give me till the end of April and I may get the courage to get on the scale, dang that thing!

I feel pretty, or I want to feel prettier...

Those of you keeping up with my life here in the blog world know that I have come a very long way. I still have that scale that I got for Christmas in the box unopened in my basement, still scares me to death. I love the way I feel just scared of that number, not sure why. I think it is because I have a number in my mind and if it is higher than I will be upset, but I guess that I would be motivated too. May have to break down and step on that scale, I will let you know if I do.

I go to the gym 5-6 times a week and am dripping sweat every time. I love how I feel and I am so much stronger and I did it, I lost it and kept it off. I changed my life. Still want my surgery, one day it will happen, it isn't an option just a goal.

The reason I titled this I feel pretty is because whenever I get all dressed up and fixed up I like to take a picture, I never felt like that before, hated having my picture taken but now I love myself and am happy with how I look, needless to say I have too many pictures of myself, getting a bit silly. I said that I want to feel prettier because I want to lose those last pesky pounds that are still hanging on and I REALLY want a new dress, something that makes me feel beautiful and small and happy.

Shopping is a totally new thing to me, hated it before. Used to be a reminder that I was huge and didn't fit into anything that I wanted but going from a size 18 to a size 8-10 has made shopping a thing I love and wish I could blow money on things that finally fit me. I don't but I really want that dress, I even kind of have a picture of it in my head, just haven't found it. Also, really don't have anywhere to wear it, don't get to dress up much anymore, or at all. The last time was my birthday and our vegas trip, both last summer.

Speaking of birthdays can't believe I am gonna be 29, seems crazy to me, I don't fear it or hate it but it just seems to put me into a different stage of life, still 20s but not really. They say 40 is the new 20, so if 30 the new 15, cause I don't want to go back to that stage in my life at all! I know I am better at this age than I have ever been and will only get better from here! Ok I think I have blogged enough for one night, bless you to those who still read. Keep up the prayers and well wishes and I will let you know if I conquer the scale fear, aaaaaahhhhhhh!

Some of those pics, Ruby likes to join me :)

too much on my mind...

First of all, HELP, can't figure this thing out, Ruby is terrible to get to bed lately. Some days I really feel like the worst mom ever. She isn't bad, she just won't go to bed!

In other news, it is spring break, nice to not have to get up and be ready for work but have to find ways to entertain the girls. It wasn't that long ago that I was a stay at home mom, for some reason though I don't remember how to do it. I miss work! Nice to be able to hit the gym in the morning but otherwise the girls just keep bugging me asking if we are gonna do anything fun.

I decided to wait on eharmony, just decided to sit back and relax and be content in my single life. Just going to enjoy time with my family and friends, enjoy getting more involved at my new church and the new friends I am finding there. I guess I was just a "we" for so long, since I was 17, that I had to just figure out how to be just "me". I know for sure that I am happier now, in the place that I am, then those last years of my marriage, those years when I was miserable with myself and so miserable in my marriage. I can't believe the person that I used to be and the person that I am now. This new me is someone I had no idea that I could be. I used to get walked on and cared way too much what people thought of me and what people did to me. I am a much stronger person, confident, nothing touches me anymore and I can stand up for myself. After all that I went through NO one can hurt me again. Sure I can have a few moments of that feeling of, "dang it that was upsetting and a really crappy day" but then I have moved on. Only I can choose what people do to me and how it effects my life.

There are hard days when I see way too many couples or read things on facebook about how much so and so loves his or her spouse that I get that longing but I know what I am waiting for and I know that it is truly worth waiting for, anything that has come along so far has been just a stepping stone to help me learn and to realize what it is I want and deserve. This new strong, beautiful and amazing woman deserves all that and more. Sorry if I sound cocky but I am finally in a place in my life where I know who I am and I went through so much to get here. I deserve to one day have a guy that adores me, lifts me up, adores my girls, shares my passion and convictions and realizes that he has the best thing that has ever happened in his life. And I too have learned how to be a great partner, I love with all of me and I have learned so much from the past and I will find someone who will walk through this life with me. I may not find him till my kids are grown, I may find him sooner, but I will not settle. God has a plan, I trust that and I have a happy heart. Ok, that felt good to get out in writing. More to come!

What to do, what to do...

Patience is probably one of the hardest things for me to figure out, does anyone really have it down? I know I don't need someone in my life but then you get those lonely moments where you think about all those people who have someone and yet here I am still alone, and I made that choice. Still better to be this alone then that unhappy, worth it all. Here is the thing, I tried so many things, so many websites, the wrong ones, one that I thought was a good one but turned out to be a waste of my money. I did meet one guy on match.com that set my standards though. He was the first guy that I had those special feelings for, that excitement when I heard from him, the feeling that you can't wait to see him again and I have to admit that there were sparks when we kissed. Sadly though that didn't work out cause he turned out to be a coward not ready for a relationship and family. Haven't felt like that again and I won't settle for anything else. I get to be picky and choosy, have I not earned that?

I did join a great singles' group at my new church but I never really looked at it as a way to find a guy. I look at it as a way to meet fellow single believers and create a great group of friends. I have already met some great people and for those of you that know me well, I have really had to just be a new person. Before I would have never just walked into a new church by myself and had the guts to throw myself into a group but I had to do something. Thankfully God had a lot to do with that, started me out meeting great people that made me feel so welcome. I do worry of course, it is inevitable. I worry about lots of little things.

Here is the thing, I am thinking of joining eHarmony. It is more expensive and still yet another website but it is supposed to be the best, my mom has even asked me about joining it. And I did join the free version but not paying for it all you can see is some profile information about the person and I do like some of what I see on who they are connecting me to but I can't know much till I can see them and communicate with them.

Some days I just want to sit back and enjoy being just me, me and my girls and this nice little life we have started and just wait for God to put His plans in motion. Other days I want to be looking and meeting people. I am not finding guys in my daily life. I keep waiting for all my friends and family who are couples to hook me up with that great single guy that they know but so far that is not happening either.

I just feel so frustrated some days, I am a wonderful woman with so much to offer, why doesn't anyone want to be with me. Ok I have had a few guys that I have had to turn away that did want me and many I had to turn away that wanted me. But I do have so many things that I want in that guy that I end up with. And as we all know I am no longer just thinking about myself, any guy that gets me gets two amazing little girls in the deal. I have to have someone great when it comes to what I deserve and what they deserve, pretty sure I am not finding that on a website. I will just keep praying and take this time to get my life together. God please grant me patience please or a great man, either will help me out a whole lot.

You Make Me Smile

There are times when I tell myself that I am going to write a book, but so far haven't really gotten to that point. So here I am blogging. I decided to start making this about all of me, not just the weight loss story. I will still throw a few of those in there just so I keep up with my fitness and have the support and people keeping me accountable. Lately there are so many things that I would like to share about my beautiful, strange, loud, crazy, wonderful little girls.

My life revolves around these two little people, my babies that are now growing entirely too fast. They make me smile (the title...) and they make me laugh; they make me cry and they make me mad. This job was not meant to do alone but I think so far I am getting the hang of it and I can only keep getting better and keep learning, they change so much everyday. There is a song that says "you're gonna miss this" and I know that I will one day. There are days that I just wish they were 12 and 16 (yikes, scary!) and then there are days I want them to stay my innocent little girls. Terrifying thoughts of the adolescent years run through my mind at times and I pray that we make it through.

I know it is going to take so many years for my kids to really truly understand the love I have for them. It took me having my own children to finally have that true respect and thankfulness for all that my parents did and all that they were and are. This parenting thing never ends, never. When your children grow they are still yours and you want to protect them and never let them hurt but they are going to. And there is nothing you can do but watch and feel your heart break right along with them and then help them pick up the pieces. I am truly blessed and am so proud of the family that I came from. I doubt she will ever read this so I can talk about her... My sister Molly, I hope that one day she understands the amazing people that are our parents, she is so ungrateful and young and naive, one day she will know, I pray.

Back to Emma and Ruby; Emma is so much fun and I see her little brain working all the time, she is learning to read and to write and she is still my little artist. She is constantly drawing and if you ask what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that she wants to be an art teacher, I really think that is what she will do to. She is a lot like me at that age, or so people tell me. She is very sensitive and cries easily, she has so much energy and is so good at making friends, she makes friends wherever we go. She is my beautiful, fiery little red head and I love seeing her progress in life. I can't believe my little baby is gonna be 7 this summer.

My little baby is no longer my little baby. She is two going on sixteen! She cracks me and so many people up. She has such a crazy huge vocabulary for a child her age, thanks very much to her big sister. I of course think that she is pretty brilliant too. The other day I was cleaning the house and she came up to me wearing a princess dress and grabbed my hand and said, "Dance with me!" I nearly cried, I will never, ever tell my child no when they ask me to dance with them, or read to them, or love on them, these are the moments that will come back to me when she is actually 16 and screaming that she hates me as she storms to her room. She is very intent on making sure people know she is Ruby, you call her anything else, for instance my dad calls her Rastus, she says, "i'n not Rastus, I Ruby!"

Well I could go on and on about them and life as a single mom but I will stop for now. I am so lucky and even though it is so hard and I am so very thankful for every time that I get a break, I got the much better end of the deal. At one time I though our family was broken but it really isn't. We are an amazing little family and have such a huge family of people in our lives that love us and support us. There could be a day that we add to our little family but as of right now I am content and excited for what is to come. I am not sitting around waiting, we are living life and loving life. My girls and I are doing great and I thank a very awesome God for getting us where we are and I pray that as He has in the past He constantly keeps us in his hands.

More Observations...

So far I am still going strong. The gym has been such a blessing. I feel like a totally new person, so much energy, less stress and the girls love it there and they are loved there. The girls that work there love them and Ruby and Emma don't even want to leave, hope they don't grow tired of it.

OK, now for some more of my thoughts on the gym. The worst thing is that I go at 4:00 right before dinner, there are like 12 different TVs hanging in front of the elliptical and treadmills and when you are hungry and working out and watching a commercial for fast food, it is just cruel and mean. Thankfully I am have been being good about eating at home but those commercials sure know how to make a person want that fast food really badly, the gym should find a way to block those commercials. I even noticed one tuned into the food network and Paula Dean was on, that is just not right!

There are so many wannabes there too. Not sure what most of them are trying to be but they are not what they think that they are, does that make sense? The chubby guy with a gut walking around all confident with his arms puffed out like he is some kind of muscle man. The older lady with her tank top tucked into her way too short shorts acting like she owns the place. Several different guys that keep some kind of gold necklace on while working out, now that one, can't figure it out. Tacky first off, second stupid, third sad, someone should tell them.

I have yet to go to the gym and not run into or at least see someone that I know, mostly people I haven't seen in years. And very random too. Seriously it has been every time that I have gone. And some you talk to, depending on where you see them, if either of you are in the middle of something then you just give the little wave or head nod. Sometimes you will say "Hey" and once in a while have a minute to catch up. There are those that I have seen that I know and I really hope that they just don't recognize me cause they don't even acknowledge me, maybe they didn't see me, won't mention any names, not that he would read this. Anyway, that is all for now.

Still scared to death of that scale. I know I said I would do it at the end of the month but I still am just so scared. I really need to get on some kind of health insurance. I have been off my thyroid medicine for more than a year now and I really think it has screwed things up with my metabolism, need to get back on that. Oh yeah, one thing I HATE about the gym, the mirrors! Why? Why so many mirrors, hate watching myself, never felt so fat as when I watch all my problem areas jiggle as I work! I try to go where there are none but they are everywhere! OK enough, done for now. Thanks to those of you still reading and commenting, love you all!

The Gym

A perfect place for a people watcher like myself is the gym. It is just so interesting to watch people in their different capacities and different ranges of fitness, or lack there of. Going to start off with the obvious, the gym rat. The male version is a guy with bulging, glistening muscles, who knows how to work each machine and spends most of his time looking in the mirror as he lifts weights and watches his muscles bulge. The girl version is that tiny little perfect looking woman from 18-40 (but never looks close to 40 thanks to so much tanning and gym time) They have on their tight spandex workout top and tight but flattering only on them shorts or carpi's. They spend their time being stared at and talking to others of their rank as they make everything in the gym look easy to do.

Muscle heads are quite a bit like the gym rat but they are so much more fun, they think they are hot and are there to be watched. They think that as they add one more of those clinking weights to the bar that they are impressing the people around them, guys and girls alike. They move that little key in the machine to the heaviest weight available and then strain and sweat as they do 10 reps, there are a few that are so obvious that they do more or try harder when a girl is around. I have only seen two women in this genre, thankfully.

Then there are the talkers, the people that come to the gym together or meet there to get on an elliptical or any other such machine and go on and on, hardly breaking a sweat. This is guys and girls alike, guys more stand around in groups and talk taking up space. And many of this people take the full amount of time on these machines, making life very annoying for others.

I think I fall into this next group but I hope that I don't. The new people, people who have very little to no gym experience. You often first see these people reading the instructions on a machine or going through a personal training session to learn how everything works. Most are either somewhat overweight or very overweight, some know how to dress correctly and then some have no idea what they are doing. They don't last very long on the elliptical or treadmill either (I know I didn't at first). But have to give them props for being there and doing what they can. This category also includes the new year years resolutioners who promised themselves that they would go to the gym from then on out, they will taper off over the next few months, but not me!

Some of the groups are much smaller, the old people, this is self explanatory. Some of the old people are impressive and I hope to be like them one day, then there are some the make you go "Hmmmmm". The weird little old man in jeans on the elliptical next to me, "hmmmm". The teenagers are just obnoxious, well to me anyway, taking up space and this group at certain times it not small, they take over the locker room and the machines. There are teams from Olathe schools that get to go work out at certain times and then a few teenagers that come and act like they are cool, wonder what the age and rules are regarding them.

The locker room is a whole different world, feels like back to high school, searching for an open locker and space for yourself. There are the people not worried at all about changing clothes and then there are the people who go in a bathroom stall to change, really, we are not looking, well I know I am not. There are the girls that primp before going out to work out, I have even seen some re-applying makeup before their workout, what are they really there for? Ok that is all I have for now but I will keep observing.

So far, not so good

Not feeling so hot tonight, feeling a bit sore though. I am still deathly afraid of the scale I have a feeling I am at least back to 150 but not gonna get on the scale and make it any worse. I know I can do this but its getting to that point when you see results that is hard to do. I am loving my gym membership, love the gym, love the kids club, the girls love the kids club and I love having the wonderful time to myself. I am even thinking that on my day off from the gym I will still go and just read and pedal on the stationary bike then soak in the hot tub. I have an appointment this week with a trainer so that will be good, get a planned work out for while I am at the gym.

I also decided to take this last bottle of alli that I have, just for the boost to get me to that final place that I want to get to.

Here is why I am not feeling so good. I have worked so hard, and done so well but still disappointed, not sure if it will get better once I get down to this new goal. And this problem is just with myself, I think I can look pretty good in clothes, its when i see myself without, it is just depressing. I look like a deflated balloon, the skin around my belly is terrible and I can try and try and nothing will change it except for a surgery I could never afford. I know it is my fault, partially, someone else had something to do with the two kids that grew in that belly causing it to stretch so much. But I was the one who stayed big and didn't get the weight off after each kid, just kept packing it on. That is what I don't get about these people on the biggest loser, do they just hide it really well or do they get a free surgery before the finale? Cause I have only lost 70 something and have skin issues, most of them lose 100, sometimes 200 pounds.

It is truly something that really bothers me, no pants ever fit right, the can fit in the legs, the butt but never right in the belly area cause of my skin pooch. Sorry if this is tmi for some of you but I am just frustrated, don't feel sexy at all, can never look good in a swimsuit and makes me feel like all this hard work just lead to a whole new problem. I am not quitting or giving up, we shall see how things go as I lose more and I plan to ask the trainer for specific tips on toning and hopefully I can work on it some. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year!

Ok here we go again, so back on track! A new year, don't really feel any different but it is a good time to start things and make goals. After the last year I had I plan to make this one a truly great one, nothing to lose and so much to gain. Well 25 or so things to lose, I take it back. I am not sure of my current weight though thanks to my beautiful sister Molly I now have a scale at home, and a nice scale at that. I am not quite ready to get on it cause I am positive that I have gained some weight this past month, so sorry I am not getting on the scale till the end of January, I promise I will then.

My goal is to go back to American Eagle or gap and fit into the size 8 jeans there, and fit into them to the point they are not tight, you know, that perfect fit, no muffin top etc. I want to get in the 120's, so 129 will make me SO happy! So I am thinking that is 20-25 lbs away. So if I lose 2-3 pounds per week I want to reach this goal by the end of March! So here we go again, I need all the prayers and comments and support that you all were so great with to help me get to this point.

Here is my progress for now though. August 2008 I started this process at around 218 down from having Ruby. My biggest jeans were a size 20 but I mostly wore 18's. I couldn't run to save my life, never ran a mile, hardly walked one. Took me like 14 minutes to walk/jog a mile. Had so much pain in my knees and was miserable. Now I got down to 140's (not sure of the current weight) mostly wear a size 10 (though at walmart an 8, but no where else). I have run 4 5K races in 35 minutes or less, one in 30.5 minutes! I love running and exercise, no more pain in my knees and I am truly happy and healthy.

Now I will get down to 129 and there is nothing holding me back, I have everything that I need to obtain my goal. The hardest thing though is 129 is still in the overweight category on the BMI scale, so frustrating, so I think I just may keep going to get to 125. In fact I just made that my new goal, 130 by March, 125 by April, hot sexy summer body by this summer. I know I can do it and I know that I have the right attitude, the tools I need and the support that has gotten me to this point. I also got a gym membership for Christmas (thank you so much mom and dad). 24 hour fitness is gonna be sick of seeing me this year!

I also am thrilled to see some friends losing weight too, they look so great and I am so excited for them cause I know exactly how they feel, way to go Nicole and Jayma and Kristy you will always be an inspiration though at times I get sick of how awesome you are, my sexy size 4 friend, thanks for being one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders and for loving me even when I was big and unhappy. Good luck to my fellow losers! This is gonna be the best year ever!