What a Journey...

For the most part I am happy, content, enjoying life and feeling good. Then there are the times late at night when it is just me, alone with my thoughts, thankful to have a place to get them out. I was getting to a point where I was feeling pretty down about my body situation. I want to get down to my goal so badly but seem so stuck. Tonight I decided to look back, a very difficult thing to do, brings up a lot for me. Takes me back to some really hard times but I think it is important to remember the journey and realize how far I have come. I will be adding pictures to make my points. I went back in my photo library to my biggest days, pregnant with Ruby and after having her, up to 220 pounds, 220!!! Can't believe I was ever that big, hated myself, hated my life, and was not in any way the person I wanted to be. Then that August 2008 you see a difference, that is when I was coming to terms that my marriage was ending and it was time to change my life, my attitude, and my body.

So slowly the pictures start changing, my smile starts changing, there are actually more pictures of me cause I actually let them be taken. And I keep shrinking, seems easily looking at the pictures but it was a lot of work and a whole lot of change. As I was changing so much was happening, oh so much. I had to leave the safety of my marriage and step out on my own and that in itself was such a huge part of my life. You can't believe how proud I am of myself for that. I did it people, I got out and I made it through, I NEVER could have dreamed of that at one point in my life but I did it. You have no idea how trapped I was, how miserable I was. I am sorry if this is too hard for some people but I was a broken person and I put myself back together, of course with all the glory to God, couldn't make it through this whole thing without Gods love and mercy.

So back to tonight, as I look in the mirror and see all the parts of me that I wish I could change or looking around and seeing all the smaller people and me just wishing I could get to this one weight and one particular size. I had to say, "Wake up, doofus! You did it, look what you did" I became someone that I am so proud of, I am strong, I am confident, I am happy, I am healthy, I am free and I am beautiful, no matter what anyone thinks. So all you tiny little chicks at the gym, good for you, go for it but I don't need to be like you, I am so happy to be me. I made huge accomplishments, I went from a size 20 to a size 10 (sometimes 8, and will be 8), never even measured all the inches I lost. I went from being a stay at home mom to a single working mom that is doing good and loving life. I have had the greatest support system and that is so huge and I can't thank you all enough. My family, my parents especially, I wouldn't be who I am without you and you are truly my heroes. My sisters, cousins, aunts, everyone! My girlfriends, Kristy and Jayma, thanks for helping me become single and for being there for me no matter what. So many of you for your support and comments on my blog, keeping me going!

So I started today again on the hard work, I will get to my goal cause I know that I can, keep up the support.

This is one of the pictures from 4th of July and it is one that I remember seeing and hating, never felt so fat, decided I needed to do something about it. So I did.

I love this picture, no I am not tiny by any means but I think that I look great and I am no longer trying to hide behind my beautiful kids.

And then there is my best friend who has been there since we were kids, she loved me even when I didn't love me and got me through so much, love you.

Now I can feel great going out with my gorgeous best friend, thank you so much for being there through it all, here is to growing into hot old ladies together!

This is from probably my biggest days and my wonderful family and friends loved me no matter what but I had to love myself. I HATE this picture but it really helps me on a day like today when I am feeling fat, I am NOT fat!

Celebrating in Vegas, look at the hotties! I LOVE this picture!