Oh Wow!

So my last post on here was in March, I think, and for some reason since then my life has become so much fuller and richer and so amazing. But that being said I let myself get really lazy, really lazy, just recently went back to the gym after months of not going (sorry mom and dad, I will make up for it). I am so out of shape and I decided that I had to get on the scale and see after tonight trying on a bunch of pairs of jeans and all of them made me feel so fat, when they are jeans that used to fall off me, grrrrrrrrrr!!! I got on the scale and really don't want to say what I got back up to but it is sad and so disappointing. I knew that I was getting bigger too just kind of ignored it cause I have been so happy lately but that is not an excuse to let myself go! The new me is BACK! I am not giving in, not going to do it. I have to get back down to 140, hopefully 130 one day but we will focus on 145 as my first goal and have to get there by Christmas, then can work the rest of my booty off in the new year. So here I am again asking for your help and support, sorry for letting it go, being happy and content is not a good reason to let myself go back. I am quitting the eating out all the time, gonna cook A LOT more, and mostly it is back to the gym as much as possible, gotta do it. So please pray for me and this journey again, I will not go back to how I was. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy with myself and feel like i look great but I did slack big time and need to get back on track. Thanks those of you who noticed (I know that you did) for not pointing it out and making me feel like crap, you knew I would figure it out. It was the pics from the lake that made me start looking cause I look so much bigger than before dang it!! Ok so here we go again, good thing this is a good time to start getting organized with life and getting on a schedule again. If anyone still reads this sorry I left for so long and I will be updating soon!

What a Journey...

For the most part I am happy, content, enjoying life and feeling good. Then there are the times late at night when it is just me, alone with my thoughts, thankful to have a place to get them out. I was getting to a point where I was feeling pretty down about my body situation. I want to get down to my goal so badly but seem so stuck. Tonight I decided to look back, a very difficult thing to do, brings up a lot for me. Takes me back to some really hard times but I think it is important to remember the journey and realize how far I have come. I will be adding pictures to make my points. I went back in my photo library to my biggest days, pregnant with Ruby and after having her, up to 220 pounds, 220!!! Can't believe I was ever that big, hated myself, hated my life, and was not in any way the person I wanted to be. Then that August 2008 you see a difference, that is when I was coming to terms that my marriage was ending and it was time to change my life, my attitude, and my body.

So slowly the pictures start changing, my smile starts changing, there are actually more pictures of me cause I actually let them be taken. And I keep shrinking, seems easily looking at the pictures but it was a lot of work and a whole lot of change. As I was changing so much was happening, oh so much. I had to leave the safety of my marriage and step out on my own and that in itself was such a huge part of my life. You can't believe how proud I am of myself for that. I did it people, I got out and I made it through, I NEVER could have dreamed of that at one point in my life but I did it. You have no idea how trapped I was, how miserable I was. I am sorry if this is too hard for some people but I was a broken person and I put myself back together, of course with all the glory to God, couldn't make it through this whole thing without Gods love and mercy.

So back to tonight, as I look in the mirror and see all the parts of me that I wish I could change or looking around and seeing all the smaller people and me just wishing I could get to this one weight and one particular size. I had to say, "Wake up, doofus! You did it, look what you did" I became someone that I am so proud of, I am strong, I am confident, I am happy, I am healthy, I am free and I am beautiful, no matter what anyone thinks. So all you tiny little chicks at the gym, good for you, go for it but I don't need to be like you, I am so happy to be me. I made huge accomplishments, I went from a size 20 to a size 10 (sometimes 8, and will be 8), never even measured all the inches I lost. I went from being a stay at home mom to a single working mom that is doing good and loving life. I have had the greatest support system and that is so huge and I can't thank you all enough. My family, my parents especially, I wouldn't be who I am without you and you are truly my heroes. My sisters, cousins, aunts, everyone! My girlfriends, Kristy and Jayma, thanks for helping me become single and for being there for me no matter what. So many of you for your support and comments on my blog, keeping me going!

So I started today again on the hard work, I will get to my goal cause I know that I can, keep up the support.

This is one of the pictures from 4th of July and it is one that I remember seeing and hating, never felt so fat, decided I needed to do something about it. So I did.

I love this picture, no I am not tiny by any means but I think that I look great and I am no longer trying to hide behind my beautiful kids.

And then there is my best friend who has been there since we were kids, she loved me even when I didn't love me and got me through so much, love you.

Now I can feel great going out with my gorgeous best friend, thank you so much for being there through it all, here is to growing into hot old ladies together!

This is from probably my biggest days and my wonderful family and friends loved me no matter what but I had to love myself. I HATE this picture but it really helps me on a day like today when I am feeling fat, I am NOT fat!

Celebrating in Vegas, look at the hotties! I LOVE this picture!

Need motivation...

o have been feeling a bit stuck in this rut, still can't get on the scale but I did try on some clothes. First of all different parts of me are smaller and some are a bit bigger, not ok with that but it comes with the working out. My legs are very firm and toned but also a bit bigger so all my spring/summer stuff from last year still fit even though I was hoping they would be too big, but I still plan to work on that. However I am trimming my mid-section, back and arms, I am liking the results.

I have a dress that is special to me. My mom bought it for me when I was getting ready for my wedding, so I was 19 and in the best shape ever. I wore it the first few months of my marriage but then it quickly became too small and then one day it was not even an option, couldn't get any part of me into it. I leant it to my friend Emily in California for a special date with her husband and she looked awesome in it and I was super jealous cause I love that dress and realized it would never fit again. She eventually mailed it back to me after we became separated in the military world. I have had it sitting around since then, tried it on when I started losing weight and it just has never fit, has a zipper that goes up the side and kept getting to the point I could get in it but not zipped up, guess what? IT ZIPPED!!!! I was so happy!

Here is the plan though. I am currently working hard on getting back on my thyroid meds so I can get my metabolism back on track. Gonna get going harder with the Alli, been skipping it too much and the eating out thing is over and done with, special occasions only! Had Taco bell tonight but they have a great "fresco" menu option, get a taco with lower calories, love it! I will get be going and getting me a nice pair of size 8 jeans here soon, that is still the goal. And I will get down to 127 one day, happy where I am but I want to be "normal" for once in my adult life, instead of "over-weight" thankfully I am no longer "obese" or scarily "morbidly obese"!

Give me till the end of April and I may get the courage to get on the scale, dang that thing!

I feel pretty, or I want to feel prettier...

Those of you keeping up with my life here in the blog world know that I have come a very long way. I still have that scale that I got for Christmas in the box unopened in my basement, still scares me to death. I love the way I feel just scared of that number, not sure why. I think it is because I have a number in my mind and if it is higher than I will be upset, but I guess that I would be motivated too. May have to break down and step on that scale, I will let you know if I do.

I go to the gym 5-6 times a week and am dripping sweat every time. I love how I feel and I am so much stronger and I did it, I lost it and kept it off. I changed my life. Still want my surgery, one day it will happen, it isn't an option just a goal.

The reason I titled this I feel pretty is because whenever I get all dressed up and fixed up I like to take a picture, I never felt like that before, hated having my picture taken but now I love myself and am happy with how I look, needless to say I have too many pictures of myself, getting a bit silly. I said that I want to feel prettier because I want to lose those last pesky pounds that are still hanging on and I REALLY want a new dress, something that makes me feel beautiful and small and happy.

Shopping is a totally new thing to me, hated it before. Used to be a reminder that I was huge and didn't fit into anything that I wanted but going from a size 18 to a size 8-10 has made shopping a thing I love and wish I could blow money on things that finally fit me. I don't but I really want that dress, I even kind of have a picture of it in my head, just haven't found it. Also, really don't have anywhere to wear it, don't get to dress up much anymore, or at all. The last time was my birthday and our vegas trip, both last summer.

Speaking of birthdays can't believe I am gonna be 29, seems crazy to me, I don't fear it or hate it but it just seems to put me into a different stage of life, still 20s but not really. They say 40 is the new 20, so if 30 the new 15, cause I don't want to go back to that stage in my life at all! I know I am better at this age than I have ever been and will only get better from here! Ok I think I have blogged enough for one night, bless you to those who still read. Keep up the prayers and well wishes and I will let you know if I conquer the scale fear, aaaaaahhhhhhh!

Some of those pics, Ruby likes to join me :)

too much on my mind...

First of all, HELP, can't figure this thing out, Ruby is terrible to get to bed lately. Some days I really feel like the worst mom ever. She isn't bad, she just won't go to bed!

In other news, it is spring break, nice to not have to get up and be ready for work but have to find ways to entertain the girls. It wasn't that long ago that I was a stay at home mom, for some reason though I don't remember how to do it. I miss work! Nice to be able to hit the gym in the morning but otherwise the girls just keep bugging me asking if we are gonna do anything fun.

I decided to wait on eharmony, just decided to sit back and relax and be content in my single life. Just going to enjoy time with my family and friends, enjoy getting more involved at my new church and the new friends I am finding there. I guess I was just a "we" for so long, since I was 17, that I had to just figure out how to be just "me". I know for sure that I am happier now, in the place that I am, then those last years of my marriage, those years when I was miserable with myself and so miserable in my marriage. I can't believe the person that I used to be and the person that I am now. This new me is someone I had no idea that I could be. I used to get walked on and cared way too much what people thought of me and what people did to me. I am a much stronger person, confident, nothing touches me anymore and I can stand up for myself. After all that I went through NO one can hurt me again. Sure I can have a few moments of that feeling of, "dang it that was upsetting and a really crappy day" but then I have moved on. Only I can choose what people do to me and how it effects my life.

There are hard days when I see way too many couples or read things on facebook about how much so and so loves his or her spouse that I get that longing but I know what I am waiting for and I know that it is truly worth waiting for, anything that has come along so far has been just a stepping stone to help me learn and to realize what it is I want and deserve. This new strong, beautiful and amazing woman deserves all that and more. Sorry if I sound cocky but I am finally in a place in my life where I know who I am and I went through so much to get here. I deserve to one day have a guy that adores me, lifts me up, adores my girls, shares my passion and convictions and realizes that he has the best thing that has ever happened in his life. And I too have learned how to be a great partner, I love with all of me and I have learned so much from the past and I will find someone who will walk through this life with me. I may not find him till my kids are grown, I may find him sooner, but I will not settle. God has a plan, I trust that and I have a happy heart. Ok, that felt good to get out in writing. More to come!

What to do, what to do...

Patience is probably one of the hardest things for me to figure out, does anyone really have it down? I know I don't need someone in my life but then you get those lonely moments where you think about all those people who have someone and yet here I am still alone, and I made that choice. Still better to be this alone then that unhappy, worth it all. Here is the thing, I tried so many things, so many websites, the wrong ones, one that I thought was a good one but turned out to be a waste of my money. I did meet one guy on match.com that set my standards though. He was the first guy that I had those special feelings for, that excitement when I heard from him, the feeling that you can't wait to see him again and I have to admit that there were sparks when we kissed. Sadly though that didn't work out cause he turned out to be a coward not ready for a relationship and family. Haven't felt like that again and I won't settle for anything else. I get to be picky and choosy, have I not earned that?

I did join a great singles' group at my new church but I never really looked at it as a way to find a guy. I look at it as a way to meet fellow single believers and create a great group of friends. I have already met some great people and for those of you that know me well, I have really had to just be a new person. Before I would have never just walked into a new church by myself and had the guts to throw myself into a group but I had to do something. Thankfully God had a lot to do with that, started me out meeting great people that made me feel so welcome. I do worry of course, it is inevitable. I worry about lots of little things.

Here is the thing, I am thinking of joining eHarmony. It is more expensive and still yet another website but it is supposed to be the best, my mom has even asked me about joining it. And I did join the free version but not paying for it all you can see is some profile information about the person and I do like some of what I see on who they are connecting me to but I can't know much till I can see them and communicate with them.

Some days I just want to sit back and enjoy being just me, me and my girls and this nice little life we have started and just wait for God to put His plans in motion. Other days I want to be looking and meeting people. I am not finding guys in my daily life. I keep waiting for all my friends and family who are couples to hook me up with that great single guy that they know but so far that is not happening either.

I just feel so frustrated some days, I am a wonderful woman with so much to offer, why doesn't anyone want to be with me. Ok I have had a few guys that I have had to turn away that did want me and many I had to turn away that wanted me. But I do have so many things that I want in that guy that I end up with. And as we all know I am no longer just thinking about myself, any guy that gets me gets two amazing little girls in the deal. I have to have someone great when it comes to what I deserve and what they deserve, pretty sure I am not finding that on a website. I will just keep praying and take this time to get my life together. God please grant me patience please or a great man, either will help me out a whole lot.

You Make Me Smile

There are times when I tell myself that I am going to write a book, but so far haven't really gotten to that point. So here I am blogging. I decided to start making this about all of me, not just the weight loss story. I will still throw a few of those in there just so I keep up with my fitness and have the support and people keeping me accountable. Lately there are so many things that I would like to share about my beautiful, strange, loud, crazy, wonderful little girls.

My life revolves around these two little people, my babies that are now growing entirely too fast. They make me smile (the title...) and they make me laugh; they make me cry and they make me mad. This job was not meant to do alone but I think so far I am getting the hang of it and I can only keep getting better and keep learning, they change so much everyday. There is a song that says "you're gonna miss this" and I know that I will one day. There are days that I just wish they were 12 and 16 (yikes, scary!) and then there are days I want them to stay my innocent little girls. Terrifying thoughts of the adolescent years run through my mind at times and I pray that we make it through.

I know it is going to take so many years for my kids to really truly understand the love I have for them. It took me having my own children to finally have that true respect and thankfulness for all that my parents did and all that they were and are. This parenting thing never ends, never. When your children grow they are still yours and you want to protect them and never let them hurt but they are going to. And there is nothing you can do but watch and feel your heart break right along with them and then help them pick up the pieces. I am truly blessed and am so proud of the family that I came from. I doubt she will ever read this so I can talk about her... My sister Molly, I hope that one day she understands the amazing people that are our parents, she is so ungrateful and young and naive, one day she will know, I pray.

Back to Emma and Ruby; Emma is so much fun and I see her little brain working all the time, she is learning to read and to write and she is still my little artist. She is constantly drawing and if you ask what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that she wants to be an art teacher, I really think that is what she will do to. She is a lot like me at that age, or so people tell me. She is very sensitive and cries easily, she has so much energy and is so good at making friends, she makes friends wherever we go. She is my beautiful, fiery little red head and I love seeing her progress in life. I can't believe my little baby is gonna be 7 this summer.

My little baby is no longer my little baby. She is two going on sixteen! She cracks me and so many people up. She has such a crazy huge vocabulary for a child her age, thanks very much to her big sister. I of course think that she is pretty brilliant too. The other day I was cleaning the house and she came up to me wearing a princess dress and grabbed my hand and said, "Dance with me!" I nearly cried, I will never, ever tell my child no when they ask me to dance with them, or read to them, or love on them, these are the moments that will come back to me when she is actually 16 and screaming that she hates me as she storms to her room. She is very intent on making sure people know she is Ruby, you call her anything else, for instance my dad calls her Rastus, she says, "i'n not Rastus, I Ruby!"

Well I could go on and on about them and life as a single mom but I will stop for now. I am so lucky and even though it is so hard and I am so very thankful for every time that I get a break, I got the much better end of the deal. At one time I though our family was broken but it really isn't. We are an amazing little family and have such a huge family of people in our lives that love us and support us. There could be a day that we add to our little family but as of right now I am content and excited for what is to come. I am not sitting around waiting, we are living life and loving life. My girls and I are doing great and I thank a very awesome God for getting us where we are and I pray that as He has in the past He constantly keeps us in his hands.