I just can't do it!!

Ok people, I am so sick of feeling like crap! I seriously ache everywhere, I can't breathe out of my nose, my throat is killing me, my ears itch, and my head feels as if it might explode! On top of all that Ruby is sick again, which is miserable for both of us, I started watching Irelynn this week and have to get up at 6 am, so I am exhausted. Once I am finally over this cold or flu or whatever it is I can get back into a rhythm. I didn't work out yesterday, I was going to work out tonight cause Ruby went to sleep at 8:00 but I can hardly move and I can barely keep my eyes open, I am going to bed right after this, then as long as I am feeling better tomorrow I am going to exercise twice, I have to make up for it. I feel so guilty and so fat when I don't work out but I am not quitting, aren't I allowed a break when I am feeling this terrible? I hate this season, not Christmas, I love that, but my family always gets sick now. I can't seem to find a pill that makes the pain go away and I dread trying to get a dr's appt and dragging the kids out in the cold just to run to the doctor and then end up getting told there is nothing they can do for it. Hopefully my parents or in-laws can help me out this weekend and give me a few breaks from the kids. I have decided that I can't just run to walmart with the kids this time of year, it is freezing so we have to get all bundled up, into the car, out of the car, un-bundle ourselves, shop, bundle back up, run through the freezing parking lot, back into the car, into the house and un-bundle again. Way too much work. I plan on doing my shopping when I can get someone to watch them. Ok now I am going to bed, love you all and I hope no one feels as crappy as I do.

Prayers needed!

Thanksgiving went well, I didn't get to work out on Thursday or Friday but I did on Sat and Sunday. I didn't have any desserts, except a taste of my grandma's splenda cherry pie. I know I ate so much less than I would have in the past. I am ready for a busy week of getting stuff done and then I start watching baby Irelynn so I will be starting a new schedule. Pray that I can handle it please. She is a sweet baby but Ruby does get jealous and they both require lots of attention. I have been feeling stressed lately, so please pray for that as well. I am really missing Kevin and feeling overwhelmed at times. I know I am not a single parent but it sure feels like it. The girls keep getting sick, the holidays keep coming faster and faster with so much to do, and I am worried about getting the house sold. I know I just need to give it to God and trust in Him but at times I feel very alone. Please keep up the encouragement and the prayers, I will continue praying for all of you as well. 

Here is Ruby helping me work out the other day, really she is no help at all as Joanna got to see, they both run around and under my legs, but Ruby does try to dance along.

I got to have a night out Saturday night and both my sisters happened to be home so mom got some pictures of us all before we headed out.

Kevin got to come home and visit and he kept commenting on the changes in me, it really felt great and helps me keep going.

I can't give up

I am not planning on giving up but it is getting more difficult to find or make time to work out. I can't get a good sleeping schedule so I feel so tired all the time lately. In a few weeks I will be waking up at 6 am everyday to watch Kevin's cousins baby girl, so I need to start getting to bed early. My plan is to work out before my girls wake up and then again later after the baby leaves, hopefully.

 I did finally get on the scale again and it was down to 185, good, but I was hoping for more. I am beginning to think this is going to take a lot longer than I thought, 33 lbs in about 3 months is about 11 pounds/month. If I can keep up that rate I guess we are talking about reaching my goal by April or May so that isn't too far off. I just am having trouble keeping the momentum, especially with how cold it is getting, I miss my jogs, I wanted to take one yesterday but I was exhausted. 

I am a bit worried about this week, gotta do extra work-outs cause I am going out several times and then Thursday is a terrible diet day. I am not planning on over doing it but you kind of have to. Good thing for me, I am not a huge fan of thanksgiving desserts; pumpkin pie, apple pie etc. So I will keep away from the desserts and Aunt Ruth's sweet tea, maybe I can convince them to make a gallon of Splenda Tea! And I have to take some work out stuff with me, cause I will not skip any more days! I wish you all a Fun thanksgiving, enjoy it, I know I will.

Frustration!

Once again, this is taking too long!!! I had a good day, bought size 14 jeans and size 7 (12/14) undies! But still didn't weigh myself, can't do it, maybe this weekend. I am so frustrated with the belly fat, the rest of my seems to be gating fitter and firmer but my belly and love handles are so gross! I know I had kids but tons of women out there have kids and don't have all this flab, sorry if I am grossing you out. 

I didn't get to work out enough this weekend, what with me being sick and my girls being sick, so I am exhausted.  I did go out for a chilly 2.5 mile jog in the biting cold, it actually felt good, wish I could jog everyday.  My next goal is size 12 by Christmas! When I went to try on jeans today I was able to pull on a size 12 but couldn't get them zipped (because of my DANG BELLY FAT!!!). My ultimate goal was size 10 but I think I will be able to get to an 8 by next summer, can't wait to go swim-suit shopping. It was so nice to go shopping today, I didn't dread it. I didn't have to search for size 18 short (very difficult to find), there are no size 18's in petite and now I can finally buy petite, kind of makes me feel small. This would not be so bad, or so difficult if only I was like 5'4", life would be easier. I could weigh more and be healthy, I could buy average instead of short or petite. Life would just be easier, but that is actually something I can't change so I will learn to love my short comings (hahaha, punny). Ok gonna go sit by the fire and relax. 

I love to jog!

Things are going pretty good for now. I finally started back on the Alli today so that should help. I got to go for a jog on Saturday and Sunday while my parents watched the girls. I really enjoy it and I can go much longer without stopping to walk. I can go at least 1.6 miles jogging. I hope to make it so that I can jog 3 miles. I haven't timed myself but that isn't really important to me. I am still doing daily workouts and sometimes I do two workouts a day. I feel like I am not doing enough though. I feel like every chance I have to exercise I should be exercising. 

I can see a difference in my legs, my back, my arms, my face but my problem spot is my baby holder, right there where my girls sat in my belly for 9 months. That lower part under my belly button, it just seems like it will never go away. I have to keep being patient, though I am not a very patient person. I know someday I will look back at this as a much smaller, sexier, healthier woman and realize that I did it and it didn't take so long and I have added years to my life. 

I had a weird phone call today. It was from agency in California that does casting for reality shows and they called cause they wanted to try to get me on the next biggest loser, (I signed up for it online) but after listening for a while I am pretty sure it was some kind of scam. They wanted me to make some kind of portfolio to give to the producers, apparently the people on that show get paid, the contestants. Yeah there is a prize at the end but they make money because the show makes money, and this agency gets 30% of that. They also want upfront money for making a portfolio so I said no thanks, but it was interesting and would have been exciting. Even though hopefully now I am too small for that show. Everyone on it starts out more than 220 and I am not even 200 anymore!!! I am already a big loser!!!! 

Thank you to everyone out there helping me, my family and in-laws for helping me get shoes, and medicine and time to go jogging by myself. Everyone for the prayers and moral support, the positive feed back I get really is helpful and keeps me going. I am not giving up, by next summer I will be have a new body. You wouldn't believe how much I have changed in these past months. I am happier, healthier, confident, strong and I have built an amazing relationship with God. I get so much strength and encouragement from reading my Bible and spending time with God. 

Halloween is bad!

Sorry people, still not getting on the scale. I really need to get some Alli and a good scale, next paycheck I will. I took Emma to the Harvest festival and she brought home a bag filled with candy, not a good thing. I haven't touched it, but I sure have been tempted. I just have to remind myself that it totally throws away my hard work all for just one peanut butter cup, not worth it. Although I am wondering how a life without peanut butter cups can be a good life. Maybe when I am skinny and healthy I can have one once in a while. I do have a fun size 3 Musketeer once in a while cause they are only 64 cal and 2 grams of fat, so they aren't gonna ruin my progress.  So on Halloween I am only going to take Emma to a few houses so she doesn't get much more candy. 

I wonder if I will ever stop aching? I work out everyday and still most days I wake up sore, I think of it as a good thing, I think. I am still watching the biggest loser and it gives lots of good tips but it is frustrating to watch them lose 5-7 pounds a week. I know that isn't the way that is healthy for me, and I don't have personal trainers, and hours to spend at the gym, or even a gym, or the perfect food available at all times. I guess slow and steady wins the race. 

I think I have changed my goals though. I want to be a healthy BMI (even though it is cruel and mean to short people!). I need to weigh 125, my new goal, so that would put me at 100 pounds. That depresses me, that I ever got to the point that I could lose 100 pounds but I have to remember that I had a lot working against me and I am now ready to move on and continue my healthy life-style. Yesterday I went for a jog and actually jogged, non-stop, didn't walk at all. It was only 1.69 miles but I was proud of myself. I found a good website for mapping my routes too. Well keep up the thoughts and prayers. I am still going strong, never giving up.

Feeling Defeated

I know, I know, I keep trying to tell myself that it takes time but it is so frustrating. I am disgusted with my body. I know the devil is trying to bring me down and I really am trying to not let him in any part of my life. I am not quitting, not in any way. I am keeping up with my new way of eating and I had two great days this weekend that I got to go on nice jogs and I did jog more than ever before. If I could I would work out all day.  I am getting so good at fighting temptation. Saturday I wanted to go grab some fast food but instead I had a luna bar and today on the way home from my parents I just wanted to pull into a drive through but I resisted and came home and had a Lean Cuisine meal. I looked back at some pictures from this summer and I can see that I have changed but I am still having to see myself in the mirror everyday. I wish I could go into more here but I have to save something for my therapist. I guess I just have to make a decision to think better about myself. I am working hard and people are noticing that I am changing. 

Once again I did not get on the scale, maybe next week. I just didn't want to see if there was no change from my exciting time on the scale last week. I need to get myself a digital scale, those are recommended. I also really need to get back on Alli (I went through the bottle my parents got me) but I have been putting it off cause it is so expensive. But I really do think it helped me lose more weight than I could have on my own. And to those of you that have heard the rumors of the terrible side effects, no it doesn't make you poop in your pants or almost have accidents. 

Well please keep me in your prayers. 

Here is my prayer through this time in my life, hopefully it will help some of you like it has helped me;"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

Drum roll please.......

Well I did it, over and over, I got on the scale and then kept getting on and off to make sure it was right. I am 194! That is down 15 from the last time I got on the scale a month ago. I hate being excited about weighing this much but it has been a while since I was under 200. So since I had Ruby and I was at 218 that is almost 25 pounds so far. I should get a scale for at home and one that is easier to read than my parents cause I could weigh less it is hard to tell.

 I realized soon after that how far I have to go but then on "The Biggest Loser" they said something that really helped me. They went to the grand canyon and as they stood in awe of it they were reminded that this beautiful scenic view was not created in a day, it took a long time for the river to carve out that huge deep canyon, so just like with me, it won't happen in a day, good things take time. I also went to walmart and tried on a pair of size 14 jeans, they fit, OK they were tight but I would have never been able to pull them up let alone button them just a month ago. I will wait on buying them though, I do, however, need a good belt. I went in to Olathe this weekend and while my in-laws watched the girls I went and did a 4 mile jog/walk. I jogged a lot more than I have ever done, I know that I jogged at more than 2 miles of my trip. I wish I could do that more often but it is impossible with kids so I just get to enjoy it on weekends. Well keep up the prayers and encouragement. I am so energized by this, so ready to keep going, see how I just needed to see those results, it really helps. 

Not yet!

So I still haven't gotten on the scale, but I have a valid excuse. My "aunt flo" came for a visit this weekend and you know that your weight is always off during that time of the month, right ladies? So I didn't do it. Also I forgot and I don't have a scale at home so I have to do it at my parents. So I am sorry for those of you that are wanting to know. I am still feeling good though, I enjoy working out, still have to find the right time of day to get to it though, but I never skip. I am still in need of more workout DVD's but I have quite a few to choose from. 

I bought a pair of size 20 jeans back when I was pregnant and wore those for a while so that is my biggest jean size and those had to be put away, way too big and I jut had to put away all my size 18 jeans and I am wearing a size 16 but even those are big on me. I found my goal jeans in my closet, a juniors size 15, and they FIT!!! So I am going to go this weekend or next and try on some size 14 jeans! Then I will be out of plus size (16 and up is plus size)! So I am going to be needing a new wardrobe. I ran out of my alli medicine and it cost about $60 for a bottle of 120 so I am going to weigh myself and see if I think it really made a difference or not, I think it did. Well I just got done working out and need to shower and then I am going to work on helping Ruby learn to walk, she took her first steps today!!

I am worried

I tend to be quite a worrier. More than anything I do not want to step on the scale tomorrow but I need to. I just feel like it is going to say nothing or 2 or 3 pounds. I will be devastated. I am working so hard, doing everything right. It has been more than a month since I was on a scale and I am so worried, that is what made me crash and burn in the past. Back in California when Emma was 2, I started working out with a friend, we went to the gym every evening and I was watching what I ate (not as strictly as I am now) and she just kept losing and losing and the most I lost was 2 or 3 pounds. I just gave up, it seemed pointless, I went to a dietitian, whom I had a bit of trouble trusting seeing that she was as big as me, and all she talked about was the stupid chicken portion the size of a deck of cards and all that bull. I have had my thyroid checked and I am taking my meds, if this isn't working then I am just at a loss. I don't want to give up, I feel good, and my clothes fit differently, most are too big. I will not give up but what am I supposed to do. I guess I need to stop worrying till I get on the scale but tomorrow you will either hear from a very happy person (more than 5 lbs) or a pathetic fat lump who just can't do it no matter how hard I try. 

I just sat on the couch tonight looking at my fat legs and thinking that nothing is happening and I just don't see it ever changing. I so badly want to be smaller, I want to love my body, not be disgusted by it. The hardest thing is how easily I got this way, thanks to my lack of exercise, my genetics, my thyroid working against me, my up and down diet I am 200+ pounds and it isn't like all I do is sit around eating ice cream and chocolate. Some people totally understand me and what I am dealing with and then there are some that will never know what this is like, even when I get to my goal weight of 140 according to my BMI I will still be overweight, I can't be "normal" weight unless I weigh 125, I haven't weighed that since I was a teenager. And 125 is at the high end of the BMI for my height. I am just overwhelmed at the moment, please keep my in your prayers. Right now I am feeling like I can't do it, it will never happen. I am not quitting but I am just so scared, I know this could take longer than I wanted but it just isn't fair, to work so hard and not see the results. OK I need to go to sleep and try to not worry anymore.

My new shoes!

I am so lucky! I have such amazing support from all around me, my parents helped by buying me the weight loss med Alli, and now my in-laws, Bob and Cindy got me an amazing pair of shoes. Cindy took me to Elite Feet on Saturday where they have awesome customer service, they watched me walk and then he (the owner, who Bob and Cindy have gotten to know because they buy all their running shoes there) had me try on a few different pairs. I ended up getting some Brooks tennis shoes, they really do make a difference! I am so thankful to Bob and Cindy, I could never have afforded them on my own but they said they wanted to help me because they saw how hard I was working and they know the benefits of good shoes. So that evening I broke them in, I planned to jog from my parents house to 143rd street and around that big area of the schools but once I got to 143rd I felt pretty good so I decided to see how far I could go. I got to 151st! Those of you who don't know the area that is about 4 miles from my parents house to 151st and back. The shoes felt great and although sore, I felt great too! 

Sunday was quite a cheat day, I am glad I was good on Saturday, we went to Lowry City for my grandma's 75th birthday and there was an amazing amount of delicious food.  I did better then I would have in the past but it was hard to stop eating. I still have not gotten on the scale, maybe next weekend, maybe. My in-laws gave me some extra hand weights and a set of steps for step aerobics and I got another new DVD so I am getting quite a collection. If anyone else has anything to donate for the cause (work out DVDs, etc) I would gladly take them.  OK I better go get a good work out in for today. I will keep on posting, one day at a time, not giving up!

The Biggest Loser

So I finally broke down and watched it. It was actually a good thing, yeah it was frustrating to see every one of them lose more than 10 lbs and some lose in the 20's. But then the next week some only lost 2 so that helped. The part that got me was when they had the doctor show each family a healthy body part such as the lungs, heart and liver and how it looks in a healthy person and then how it looks surrounded by fat. The organs were just straining under all of that disgusting fat. And they told a 26 year old girl that her body was actually the biological age of 47 because of her obesity. It really woke me up. I know that now I am doing what I need to do but I just pray that I can keep it up, it really is hard, I know it will get easier as time goes by and I get used to it and more in shape. I just don't want to lose any part of my life because I am too lazy to keep up my work-outs. 

Last year when I watched the biggest loser I would watch it while I ate or while just sitting there on the couch, thinking that I wasn't quite as big as those people. This year though I am changing that. Tonight while I watched it (Two 2 hour shows minus the commercials) I decided to change that couch potato image and I worked out while I watched it. I did 100 crunches, which is my new goal, to do 100 crunches every night, and then do more as time goes by. It is amazing how much easier they have gotten. I also did a good arm work out with my 5 pound weights and then a few other things. And on top of all that I got all my laundry done, folded and upstairs. I feel very accomplished! 

Some moments I am feeling great and noticing small changes but then I see so many things that I hate. My flabby stomach that I am scared will never go away, my huge thighs, my back fat and much more. I just am so tired of being disgusted with myself and I am so impatient. I am also deathly afraid of the scale, like you wouldn't believe. So many times before I have worked hard to lose weight and then gotten on that scale and seen little to no change so I just give up. The last time I got on the scale at my parents house it said 209 and I haven't been back on it in a few weeks. I want to see if I have made progress cause it feels like I have and unless people are liars many  have said that they can see a difference. I just know it will destroy me if I haven't lost another 5 or more. I know, I know, it is gradual but other people who work this hard see results and I have talked to doctors and I am doing everything right. Please pray that this is working, it just has to, I really am scared.

My Weekend

So I had a pretty fun weekend. I got the house cleaned on Thursday and Friday, all the laundry done!!! Then after working out and packing I got Emma from school and headed to O-Town. I got to go to dinner with Kristy and Aimee ( a cheat night but I did pretty well, got a chicken fajita wrap, yummy, no pop!) Then Saturday I got a girls day out with Kristy, we went to see "The Women" which I really enjoyed, I was bad and hadn't had lunch so I got a soda (small though!!) and a pretzel, then we went shopping out at the Legends so we worked off some of the junk food walking around out there. Then we went to dinner and she and I split this yummy plate of chicken nachos and we both had water, we couldn't even come close to finishing that plate between the two of us, so I felt like I did well there. 

Then today we had a birthday party for Marcia (happy birthday!!!) and we had tacos and I was very proud of myself, I had one taco and a little taco salad. In the past I would have gone back for a whole plate of seconds and today I had no seconds!! And I was full. I have figured it out; in the past when I still felt hungry right after eating I would just continue to eat, but now if I wait a while I feel full ( I know duh, right!) Also as yummy as it looked I didn't even eat a piece of cake!! 

Then I made my lazy bum dad go with me up to OE to see how we did walk/jogging a mile on the track. We walked the curves and jogged the straights and got it done in 13 minutes and then walked another half mile after that. I am feeling it now, it is very different to do my work-outs here at home vs. going out and jogging, I have a lot of work to do. Eventually I would like to be able to go a mile in under 10 minutes. That way when I do a 5K (hopefully in the spring) I can do it in 30 minutes or so. Otherwise it was a great weekend, gorgeous weather, and I am looking forward to another week of hard work, gonna try to get out and walk more around the neighborhood, I need to see if their are any walking trails here in this area. 

I so greatly appreciate everyone who has commented, emailed, called or talked to me about this, it really keeps me going strong! I have nothing in me that wants to give up. I feel the changes already but then I notice how far I have to go and it can feel frustrating but I have to take it one day at a time. 

I have a question, I love the show "The Biggest Loser" and I have it recorded and was going to watch it but I don't know if it would help or hurt me. I know it would help to see people losing and get tips and such but I also think it would be frustrating to feel like I am working so hard and losing slowly while they lose 10+ pounds in one week. Should I watch or not?

If only everyday could be like today

Today I feel really great and excited. I ate really well today, meaning I stayed under my calories and don't feel hungry. I worked out this morning to my Biggest Loser work out DVD and then I took the girls to the library and then the park cause it was a beautiful sunshiny day. I played with Emma, we ran around and I went across the monkey bars, haven't done that in a while. Then later it was still nice out so we took a walk and Emma practiced riding her bike, she got tired after a while so I had to push a stroller and pull her on the bike. Then I got home and had a huge accomplishment, I mowed the lawn all by myself, ok, not all by myself, I had to call Kevin's cousin Travis and ask him to come over and start it for me, shh, it is harder than it looks. But I did the hard work and was dripping sweat by the end. 

So it was a great day and I am excited about this weekend. I am going to go run/jog a mile at the track at Frontier just to see how I do, how long it takes me and such. I will probably do more but I just want to see how I do. My dad said he would do it with me. Then I get a day without kids to spend time with my best friend and eat some good food (my cheat day!!!) Don't worry I won't throw all my hard work out the window, I know portion control but anything taste better than these meal replacement bars and slim-fast shakes!

Also I got a accountability partner, my friend Tonja out in California is on the same track, and her husband is deployed so she is trying to do it before he gets back. So that is good for me cause we can keep each other going and know that we can't let each other down. That is all for today, I won't write everyday but today was a good day and I feel healthy and happy.

In the Beginning

So I decided to do a blog about my weightloss journey, that way I really can't give up, cause then it would be public and embarrassing. So here we go. Around August 10 I started an exercise program, just work-out videos at home, but I do them every day except Sunday. And I have started to do more difficult ones. I also started a strict diet and so far have lost 8 lbs! That is the best I have done in a very long time, so it feels great. I hate to admit it but I have to, I was 230 lbs when I went into the hospital to have Ruby (though I was 220 when I got pregnant, so I only gained 10 lbs thankfully), then at my next appointment I was 218 and at my most recent appt. I was 212. My first goal is 199, obviously cause it is below 200 where I will never be again! Eventually I would like to weigh 140 and then see from there how I feel. I would like to reach that goal by May/June of next year so I realize that this is not a quick or easy task. I started this blog to record the ups and downs and to keep myself accountable. 

I am really feeling good about myself lately, all my jeans fit really well out of the wash (which girls you know what I am talking about, you usually have to break them in). I am fitting in clothes I haven't fit in for a long time. I feel energetic and happy and healthy.

My diet is just a low-cal, low-fat, smaller portions thing, nothing specific. I drink slim-fast and eat meal replacement bars and eat lean cuisine frozen meals and 100 calorie packs for snacking. And my biggest thing is that I gave up pop, which I have cheated on a few times, but not too badly. I have found that I used to live to eat but I need to make it so that I eat to live. 

I know some people don't believe in me and don't think I can do it, I myself thought so for too long, but this time is so different, I want to be proud of myself and I want people to be proud of me, I want my girls to see a healthy and happy (and sexy) mom. 

I know that time flies, my tiny little baby is now a giant 9 month old and the time went by so fast so I know that I will look back on this one day and be proud cause I did it.