Halloween is bad!

Sorry people, still not getting on the scale. I really need to get some Alli and a good scale, next paycheck I will. I took Emma to the Harvest festival and she brought home a bag filled with candy, not a good thing. I haven't touched it, but I sure have been tempted. I just have to remind myself that it totally throws away my hard work all for just one peanut butter cup, not worth it. Although I am wondering how a life without peanut butter cups can be a good life. Maybe when I am skinny and healthy I can have one once in a while. I do have a fun size 3 Musketeer once in a while cause they are only 64 cal and 2 grams of fat, so they aren't gonna ruin my progress.  So on Halloween I am only going to take Emma to a few houses so she doesn't get much more candy. 

I wonder if I will ever stop aching? I work out everyday and still most days I wake up sore, I think of it as a good thing, I think. I am still watching the biggest loser and it gives lots of good tips but it is frustrating to watch them lose 5-7 pounds a week. I know that isn't the way that is healthy for me, and I don't have personal trainers, and hours to spend at the gym, or even a gym, or the perfect food available at all times. I guess slow and steady wins the race. 

I think I have changed my goals though. I want to be a healthy BMI (even though it is cruel and mean to short people!). I need to weigh 125, my new goal, so that would put me at 100 pounds. That depresses me, that I ever got to the point that I could lose 100 pounds but I have to remember that I had a lot working against me and I am now ready to move on and continue my healthy life-style. Yesterday I went for a jog and actually jogged, non-stop, didn't walk at all. It was only 1.69 miles but I was proud of myself. I found a good website for mapping my routes too. Well keep up the thoughts and prayers. I am still going strong, never giving up.

Feeling Defeated

I know, I know, I keep trying to tell myself that it takes time but it is so frustrating. I am disgusted with my body. I know the devil is trying to bring me down and I really am trying to not let him in any part of my life. I am not quitting, not in any way. I am keeping up with my new way of eating and I had two great days this weekend that I got to go on nice jogs and I did jog more than ever before. If I could I would work out all day.  I am getting so good at fighting temptation. Saturday I wanted to go grab some fast food but instead I had a luna bar and today on the way home from my parents I just wanted to pull into a drive through but I resisted and came home and had a Lean Cuisine meal. I looked back at some pictures from this summer and I can see that I have changed but I am still having to see myself in the mirror everyday. I wish I could go into more here but I have to save something for my therapist. I guess I just have to make a decision to think better about myself. I am working hard and people are noticing that I am changing. 

Once again I did not get on the scale, maybe next week. I just didn't want to see if there was no change from my exciting time on the scale last week. I need to get myself a digital scale, those are recommended. I also really need to get back on Alli (I went through the bottle my parents got me) but I have been putting it off cause it is so expensive. But I really do think it helped me lose more weight than I could have on my own. And to those of you that have heard the rumors of the terrible side effects, no it doesn't make you poop in your pants or almost have accidents. 

Well please keep me in your prayers. 

Here is my prayer through this time in my life, hopefully it will help some of you like it has helped me;"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

Drum roll please.......

Well I did it, over and over, I got on the scale and then kept getting on and off to make sure it was right. I am 194! That is down 15 from the last time I got on the scale a month ago. I hate being excited about weighing this much but it has been a while since I was under 200. So since I had Ruby and I was at 218 that is almost 25 pounds so far. I should get a scale for at home and one that is easier to read than my parents cause I could weigh less it is hard to tell.

 I realized soon after that how far I have to go but then on "The Biggest Loser" they said something that really helped me. They went to the grand canyon and as they stood in awe of it they were reminded that this beautiful scenic view was not created in a day, it took a long time for the river to carve out that huge deep canyon, so just like with me, it won't happen in a day, good things take time. I also went to walmart and tried on a pair of size 14 jeans, they fit, OK they were tight but I would have never been able to pull them up let alone button them just a month ago. I will wait on buying them though, I do, however, need a good belt. I went in to Olathe this weekend and while my in-laws watched the girls I went and did a 4 mile jog/walk. I jogged a lot more than I have ever done, I know that I jogged at more than 2 miles of my trip. I wish I could do that more often but it is impossible with kids so I just get to enjoy it on weekends. Well keep up the prayers and encouragement. I am so energized by this, so ready to keep going, see how I just needed to see those results, it really helps. 

Not yet!

So I still haven't gotten on the scale, but I have a valid excuse. My "aunt flo" came for a visit this weekend and you know that your weight is always off during that time of the month, right ladies? So I didn't do it. Also I forgot and I don't have a scale at home so I have to do it at my parents. So I am sorry for those of you that are wanting to know. I am still feeling good though, I enjoy working out, still have to find the right time of day to get to it though, but I never skip. I am still in need of more workout DVD's but I have quite a few to choose from. 

I bought a pair of size 20 jeans back when I was pregnant and wore those for a while so that is my biggest jean size and those had to be put away, way too big and I jut had to put away all my size 18 jeans and I am wearing a size 16 but even those are big on me. I found my goal jeans in my closet, a juniors size 15, and they FIT!!! So I am going to go this weekend or next and try on some size 14 jeans! Then I will be out of plus size (16 and up is plus size)! So I am going to be needing a new wardrobe. I ran out of my alli medicine and it cost about $60 for a bottle of 120 so I am going to weigh myself and see if I think it really made a difference or not, I think it did. Well I just got done working out and need to shower and then I am going to work on helping Ruby learn to walk, she took her first steps today!!

I am worried

I tend to be quite a worrier. More than anything I do not want to step on the scale tomorrow but I need to. I just feel like it is going to say nothing or 2 or 3 pounds. I will be devastated. I am working so hard, doing everything right. It has been more than a month since I was on a scale and I am so worried, that is what made me crash and burn in the past. Back in California when Emma was 2, I started working out with a friend, we went to the gym every evening and I was watching what I ate (not as strictly as I am now) and she just kept losing and losing and the most I lost was 2 or 3 pounds. I just gave up, it seemed pointless, I went to a dietitian, whom I had a bit of trouble trusting seeing that she was as big as me, and all she talked about was the stupid chicken portion the size of a deck of cards and all that bull. I have had my thyroid checked and I am taking my meds, if this isn't working then I am just at a loss. I don't want to give up, I feel good, and my clothes fit differently, most are too big. I will not give up but what am I supposed to do. I guess I need to stop worrying till I get on the scale but tomorrow you will either hear from a very happy person (more than 5 lbs) or a pathetic fat lump who just can't do it no matter how hard I try. 

I just sat on the couch tonight looking at my fat legs and thinking that nothing is happening and I just don't see it ever changing. I so badly want to be smaller, I want to love my body, not be disgusted by it. The hardest thing is how easily I got this way, thanks to my lack of exercise, my genetics, my thyroid working against me, my up and down diet I am 200+ pounds and it isn't like all I do is sit around eating ice cream and chocolate. Some people totally understand me and what I am dealing with and then there are some that will never know what this is like, even when I get to my goal weight of 140 according to my BMI I will still be overweight, I can't be "normal" weight unless I weigh 125, I haven't weighed that since I was a teenager. And 125 is at the high end of the BMI for my height. I am just overwhelmed at the moment, please keep my in your prayers. Right now I am feeling like I can't do it, it will never happen. I am not quitting but I am just so scared, I know this could take longer than I wanted but it just isn't fair, to work so hard and not see the results. OK I need to go to sleep and try to not worry anymore.