Happy New Year!

Ok here we go again, so back on track! A new year, don't really feel any different but it is a good time to start things and make goals. After the last year I had I plan to make this one a truly great one, nothing to lose and so much to gain. Well 25 or so things to lose, I take it back. I am not sure of my current weight though thanks to my beautiful sister Molly I now have a scale at home, and a nice scale at that. I am not quite ready to get on it cause I am positive that I have gained some weight this past month, so sorry I am not getting on the scale till the end of January, I promise I will then.

My goal is to go back to American Eagle or gap and fit into the size 8 jeans there, and fit into them to the point they are not tight, you know, that perfect fit, no muffin top etc. I want to get in the 120's, so 129 will make me SO happy! So I am thinking that is 20-25 lbs away. So if I lose 2-3 pounds per week I want to reach this goal by the end of March! So here we go again, I need all the prayers and comments and support that you all were so great with to help me get to this point.

Here is my progress for now though. August 2008 I started this process at around 218 down from having Ruby. My biggest jeans were a size 20 but I mostly wore 18's. I couldn't run to save my life, never ran a mile, hardly walked one. Took me like 14 minutes to walk/jog a mile. Had so much pain in my knees and was miserable. Now I got down to 140's (not sure of the current weight) mostly wear a size 10 (though at walmart an 8, but no where else). I have run 4 5K races in 35 minutes or less, one in 30.5 minutes! I love running and exercise, no more pain in my knees and I am truly happy and healthy.

Now I will get down to 129 and there is nothing holding me back, I have everything that I need to obtain my goal. The hardest thing though is 129 is still in the overweight category on the BMI scale, so frustrating, so I think I just may keep going to get to 125. In fact I just made that my new goal, 130 by March, 125 by April, hot sexy summer body by this summer. I know I can do it and I know that I have the right attitude, the tools I need and the support that has gotten me to this point. I also got a gym membership for Christmas (thank you so much mom and dad). 24 hour fitness is gonna be sick of seeing me this year!

I also am thrilled to see some friends losing weight too, they look so great and I am so excited for them cause I know exactly how they feel, way to go Nicole and Jayma and Kristy you will always be an inspiration though at times I get sick of how awesome you are, my sexy size 4 friend, thanks for being one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders and for loving me even when I was big and unhappy. Good luck to my fellow losers! This is gonna be the best year ever!

A New new Me

So this used to be just about the new me weight loss wise but now there have been so many changes, I truly am a new person and I decided to keep up with the blogging, not sure if anyone still reads or not. I am now officially single, the divorce is final. Seems so strange to be single, haven't been single since I was a teenager, not quite sure how to do it.

I haven't gained any weight, maintenance has actually been pretty easy. I know my limits, I still keep a good diet, mostly. I try to keep active but find it VERY hard to work out. I am so busy and active with work and everything I am still feeling good and for a while there I would run whenever possible, still my favorite thing to do, just not in the cold!

I am getting a gym membership for Christmas, that is all I really want. It will mean I have to pay $30/month for childcare at the gym but it is worth it to me. First of all I will be able to stay fit and even loose more and secondly I will get some much needed time to myself and it will be fun for the girls too. Excited about that! I do have about 15 pounds still that I want off, maybe more, depending, not gonna quit. Still frustrated with the whole skin issue, the more I lose the worse it is and nothing can fix it except very expensive surgery. It is just so hard to feel so good about all I have done but still hate my body. Oh well, someday it will happen, it is a goal I have set and it will happen some day!

The girls and I are doing pretty great here in our cute little place. I love being here in Olathe, so close to everything and my parents have been a HUGE help, the help keep me sane. This job was not meant to do alone. Parenting is a 2 person job and for one person it just isn't fair but I know that I will make it through. Some days when I am just sitting here alone I really think too much but I am truly happy. I am learning to be happy on my own, to be strong and confident. If one day there is a special someone in my life that would make me very happy but for now I am just going to enjoy the single life. I need to know who I am and be a strong independent woman, a good example for my girls.

I realized something the other day. Emma used to have terrible nightmares at our old house. She would yell out and cry in her sleep and I recently realized that she hadn't done it since we moved in here. I couldn't figure it out till now. I really think it was a lot to do with that house and Kevin and I. That house was filled with anger, hurt, pain, and sadness and it was all around her for a long time. Now she is living here and there hasn't been any fighting, yelling, tears or upset and I think she is free from the nightmares. Now there is happiness, confidence, and so much strength surrounding her.

Ok that is it for now. I will keep it up now, this is a crazy busy time of year but I love it. More to come...

Coming out of that Tunnel!

So as I mentioned before I was seeing that little light at the end of the tunnel and I am finally coming through that tunnel. Got moved out of Raymore and into my place in Olathe, was worried about finances and a job but that all worked out, especially with the help of my amazing parents, couldn't have done any of this without them. Love my new job, love the people I work with and really enjoy what I do, except the getting sick part, we keep getting sick! I do find that I have very little time for exercise and I do not get to run near as much as I would like to, I did do another 5K and really enjoyed it, did better than the last one even though I had the flu that week! 

Paperwork got done and filed and things are rolling and that will all be finalized in a month, finally free from that title that has been holding me back lately. I have been dating but I can be officially dating then, not that that is the most important thing to me at all. It is very stressful being a single mom, very looking forward to this week. Kevin is coming home so I get a much needed break from the girls and they get some much needed time with their dad. Kevin and I are getting along well which is helpful since there is a lot to deal with as parents. 

My big decision right now is whether to spend $300 on a treadmill or a gym membership. Fitness is so important to me that I have to have something, I can't give it up  and it is so hard to do any thing right now. A treadmill would be super convenient but also boring, but I do love running. A gym membership w/ childcare may not even be affordable, I need to check. It would be more inconvenient but I would have to do it, just thinking about getting the girls bundled up to go out into the cold just so I can work out. Quite a decision and I need to make it soon, any advice?

Well I will keep up the work, I am still keeping super busy and I try to go up and down my stairs as often as possible and get in a run whenever I possibly can. I am trying to eat well but with my being sick my appetite is so off, not eating well at all, lots of weight loss shakes. I was bad and had pizza the other day, my first one I have ordered since my life change, also probably the last, remembered why I don't like it! Thanks to those of you still keeping up with me. I am really happy and in such a good place right now (little secret: met a great guy and I think it could really be something, I'll keep you updated).

A Long Journey ahead

So lately music has really been my release. I listen to it all the time and get so much inspiration from it. I especially love running to music. There are some songs that really just get me going and keep me motivated. What I have learned the most lately is that life takes time. I really am just going to have to become a more patient person. Hard for me though, I am the kind of person who wants things planned and now I have to let that go. There is no plan, just live day to day and trust that God will keep showing me the way. I have everything going for me so I just have to realize that I am where I am supposed to be right now and I don't have to worry about a few years down the road, tomorrow is enough to plan and deal with. 

Update: Weight loss is mostly maintaining right now. I feel amazing and haven't quit anything. I still eat right and exercise when I can, not as much as I would like, life has been pretty busy, but no excuses. I did buy my first size 8 jeans! I was dancing in the dressing room. I did see a doctor about a tummy tuck or technically an abdomnioplasty. He said it is the only way to solve my problem of the extra skin, it will never firm up or go away and will only get worse the more I lose (yeah! good news day (sarcasm)). So he gave me an idea of the cost and it comes almost to $7000! Yeah so doesn't seem like something that I will ever get. It's a dream, maybe one day. I did another 5K today, loved it and can't wait to do more. I love spending time with the whole Kolenda family. And praise God for a good doctor appt for Kevin's grandma. 

Things are coming along everywhere, house is in contract, waiting to hear from the bank. Kevin and I signed papers and things are finally moving on and we are getting along. I start my job this week and am so excited and stressed at the same time, gonna be hard work but it will keep me busy and help make time go by. One day it will get easier but I love where I work and the people I work with. Ok well I have gone on and on and really should stop now. Thanks for listening and caring and praying, don't stop. Love you all.

Back on Track

So I have not gained any weight but I don't really think I have lost much in the past month so here I go again, back on track. I started up the Alli again (thanks to my Marcia!). I am getting in my daily workouts, making it a priority. It is going to get more and more difficult to be doing all this with all that is coming up in my life. Packing, selling everything, moving, starting a job, all that there is to do is a bit overwhelming but I have so much support and help, amazing family and awesome friends. I would not be able to do this without all the great people in my life, everyone who has been available to me for words of advice, encouragement, or just to listen and be understanding. This whole part of my life has been and continues to be more difficult than so many can even imagine but I have to keep up my new outlook. I became a confident, beautiful and strong woman in the past year and that is what is getting me through this. 

I have so many fears and worries but I have learned to give those to God cause otherwise I would be weighed down by it all. I pray for so many things that sometimes I feel like I am asking too much. God help me find the right job, help me to keep up my weight loss, help me to be a good mom even when I don't know how to make it through another day with these strong willed children, help me not to get too stressed about the house selling and all the paperwork involved with divorce, help the hurt to stop and help me to not feel so lonely and unloved. But on the other hand I need to praise God.

Thank You for amazing parents who are doing so much more for me than anyone deserves, thank You for awesome extended family who pray for me and are there to talk or help when they can, thank You for keeping me strong when I feel like breaking, thank You for friends who are there for me, mostly God thank You so much for my beautiful little strong willed girls who help me see beauty and are the reason I wake up everyday, they are worth everything that I have been through and I hope I am the best mom I can be through everything. I want them to look up to me and I know that I can't protect them from everything but I just pray they see my strength and faith and my struggle and learn to be strong women too.

exciting but depressing...

So I have a before and after and I am totally embarrassed by how I used to look. I am so proud of how far I have come. The before pics were taken April '08 and the after shots June '09. I really hate that I was so big, it is hard to look at. I think that that was my biggest, besides being pregnant with Ruby (even bigger then) these are the photos that helped make me realize that I had to finally do this. I am so glad to be at the after part with the finish line just in sight. 

Before

After!

So happy!

Thanks so much for everyone's support and love and encouragement. I am still going and never quitting, I love my new life-style and you just wait in a few months people may have to call me "Tiny"! Only about 20 pounds to go, yeah at first I said 145 and I am only a few pounds from there but after all I have done I know I can get to 130 and who knows, maybe more. But I am happy now, healthy and loving life. God is good.

Here are two more! 4th of July '08 and then 4th of July '09, can't believe I used to look like that! Gonna be even smaller soon!!!

I finally did it again!

I got on the scale!!! I was so scared that it would be a disappointing number but it was 151! Down from 168!!! I am so happy, my goal is within eyesight and I have come so far. My BMI was over 43 and now it is 29! I am so happy and healthy and alive. Now I am off to Vegas and couldn't be more excited! I will write more when I get back!