A New new Me

So this used to be just about the new me weight loss wise but now there have been so many changes, I truly am a new person and I decided to keep up with the blogging, not sure if anyone still reads or not. I am now officially single, the divorce is final. Seems so strange to be single, haven't been single since I was a teenager, not quite sure how to do it.

I haven't gained any weight, maintenance has actually been pretty easy. I know my limits, I still keep a good diet, mostly. I try to keep active but find it VERY hard to work out. I am so busy and active with work and everything I am still feeling good and for a while there I would run whenever possible, still my favorite thing to do, just not in the cold!

I am getting a gym membership for Christmas, that is all I really want. It will mean I have to pay $30/month for childcare at the gym but it is worth it to me. First of all I will be able to stay fit and even loose more and secondly I will get some much needed time to myself and it will be fun for the girls too. Excited about that! I do have about 15 pounds still that I want off, maybe more, depending, not gonna quit. Still frustrated with the whole skin issue, the more I lose the worse it is and nothing can fix it except very expensive surgery. It is just so hard to feel so good about all I have done but still hate my body. Oh well, someday it will happen, it is a goal I have set and it will happen some day!

The girls and I are doing pretty great here in our cute little place. I love being here in Olathe, so close to everything and my parents have been a HUGE help, the help keep me sane. This job was not meant to do alone. Parenting is a 2 person job and for one person it just isn't fair but I know that I will make it through. Some days when I am just sitting here alone I really think too much but I am truly happy. I am learning to be happy on my own, to be strong and confident. If one day there is a special someone in my life that would make me very happy but for now I am just going to enjoy the single life. I need to know who I am and be a strong independent woman, a good example for my girls.

I realized something the other day. Emma used to have terrible nightmares at our old house. She would yell out and cry in her sleep and I recently realized that she hadn't done it since we moved in here. I couldn't figure it out till now. I really think it was a lot to do with that house and Kevin and I. That house was filled with anger, hurt, pain, and sadness and it was all around her for a long time. Now she is living here and there hasn't been any fighting, yelling, tears or upset and I think she is free from the nightmares. Now there is happiness, confidence, and so much strength surrounding her.

Ok that is it for now. I will keep it up now, this is a crazy busy time of year but I love it. More to come...

Coming out of that Tunnel!

So as I mentioned before I was seeing that little light at the end of the tunnel and I am finally coming through that tunnel. Got moved out of Raymore and into my place in Olathe, was worried about finances and a job but that all worked out, especially with the help of my amazing parents, couldn't have done any of this without them. Love my new job, love the people I work with and really enjoy what I do, except the getting sick part, we keep getting sick! I do find that I have very little time for exercise and I do not get to run near as much as I would like to, I did do another 5K and really enjoyed it, did better than the last one even though I had the flu that week! 

Paperwork got done and filed and things are rolling and that will all be finalized in a month, finally free from that title that has been holding me back lately. I have been dating but I can be officially dating then, not that that is the most important thing to me at all. It is very stressful being a single mom, very looking forward to this week. Kevin is coming home so I get a much needed break from the girls and they get some much needed time with their dad. Kevin and I are getting along well which is helpful since there is a lot to deal with as parents. 

My big decision right now is whether to spend $300 on a treadmill or a gym membership. Fitness is so important to me that I have to have something, I can't give it up  and it is so hard to do any thing right now. A treadmill would be super convenient but also boring, but I do love running. A gym membership w/ childcare may not even be affordable, I need to check. It would be more inconvenient but I would have to do it, just thinking about getting the girls bundled up to go out into the cold just so I can work out. Quite a decision and I need to make it soon, any advice?

Well I will keep up the work, I am still keeping super busy and I try to go up and down my stairs as often as possible and get in a run whenever I possibly can. I am trying to eat well but with my being sick my appetite is so off, not eating well at all, lots of weight loss shakes. I was bad and had pizza the other day, my first one I have ordered since my life change, also probably the last, remembered why I don't like it! Thanks to those of you still keeping up with me. I am really happy and in such a good place right now (little secret: met a great guy and I think it could really be something, I'll keep you updated).

A Long Journey ahead

So lately music has really been my release. I listen to it all the time and get so much inspiration from it. I especially love running to music. There are some songs that really just get me going and keep me motivated. What I have learned the most lately is that life takes time. I really am just going to have to become a more patient person. Hard for me though, I am the kind of person who wants things planned and now I have to let that go. There is no plan, just live day to day and trust that God will keep showing me the way. I have everything going for me so I just have to realize that I am where I am supposed to be right now and I don't have to worry about a few years down the road, tomorrow is enough to plan and deal with. 

Update: Weight loss is mostly maintaining right now. I feel amazing and haven't quit anything. I still eat right and exercise when I can, not as much as I would like, life has been pretty busy, but no excuses. I did buy my first size 8 jeans! I was dancing in the dressing room. I did see a doctor about a tummy tuck or technically an abdomnioplasty. He said it is the only way to solve my problem of the extra skin, it will never firm up or go away and will only get worse the more I lose (yeah! good news day (sarcasm)). So he gave me an idea of the cost and it comes almost to $7000! Yeah so doesn't seem like something that I will ever get. It's a dream, maybe one day. I did another 5K today, loved it and can't wait to do more. I love spending time with the whole Kolenda family. And praise God for a good doctor appt for Kevin's grandma. 

Things are coming along everywhere, house is in contract, waiting to hear from the bank. Kevin and I signed papers and things are finally moving on and we are getting along. I start my job this week and am so excited and stressed at the same time, gonna be hard work but it will keep me busy and help make time go by. One day it will get easier but I love where I work and the people I work with. Ok well I have gone on and on and really should stop now. Thanks for listening and caring and praying, don't stop. Love you all.

Back on Track

So I have not gained any weight but I don't really think I have lost much in the past month so here I go again, back on track. I started up the Alli again (thanks to my Marcia!). I am getting in my daily workouts, making it a priority. It is going to get more and more difficult to be doing all this with all that is coming up in my life. Packing, selling everything, moving, starting a job, all that there is to do is a bit overwhelming but I have so much support and help, amazing family and awesome friends. I would not be able to do this without all the great people in my life, everyone who has been available to me for words of advice, encouragement, or just to listen and be understanding. This whole part of my life has been and continues to be more difficult than so many can even imagine but I have to keep up my new outlook. I became a confident, beautiful and strong woman in the past year and that is what is getting me through this. 

I have so many fears and worries but I have learned to give those to God cause otherwise I would be weighed down by it all. I pray for so many things that sometimes I feel like I am asking too much. God help me find the right job, help me to keep up my weight loss, help me to be a good mom even when I don't know how to make it through another day with these strong willed children, help me not to get too stressed about the house selling and all the paperwork involved with divorce, help the hurt to stop and help me to not feel so lonely and unloved. But on the other hand I need to praise God.

Thank You for amazing parents who are doing so much more for me than anyone deserves, thank You for awesome extended family who pray for me and are there to talk or help when they can, thank You for keeping me strong when I feel like breaking, thank You for friends who are there for me, mostly God thank You so much for my beautiful little strong willed girls who help me see beauty and are the reason I wake up everyday, they are worth everything that I have been through and I hope I am the best mom I can be through everything. I want them to look up to me and I know that I can't protect them from everything but I just pray they see my strength and faith and my struggle and learn to be strong women too.

exciting but depressing...

So I have a before and after and I am totally embarrassed by how I used to look. I am so proud of how far I have come. The before pics were taken April '08 and the after shots June '09. I really hate that I was so big, it is hard to look at. I think that that was my biggest, besides being pregnant with Ruby (even bigger then) these are the photos that helped make me realize that I had to finally do this. I am so glad to be at the after part with the finish line just in sight. 

Before

After!

So happy!

Thanks so much for everyone's support and love and encouragement. I am still going and never quitting, I love my new life-style and you just wait in a few months people may have to call me "Tiny"! Only about 20 pounds to go, yeah at first I said 145 and I am only a few pounds from there but after all I have done I know I can get to 130 and who knows, maybe more. But I am happy now, healthy and loving life. God is good.

Here are two more! 4th of July '08 and then 4th of July '09, can't believe I used to look like that! Gonna be even smaller soon!!!

I finally did it again!

I got on the scale!!! I was so scared that it would be a disappointing number but it was 151! Down from 168!!! I am so happy, my goal is within eyesight and I have come so far. My BMI was over 43 and now it is 29! I am so happy and healthy and alive. Now I am off to Vegas and couldn't be more excited! I will write more when I get back!

Time to update

Life has been totally stressful lately. I did do two more 5K's and I loved it! I got my time better on both, even got down to 31:30 for the mother's day 5K! I was excited. Still haven't weighed but I will soon. I am totally stressed about the house and about my situation with my marriage. I am really trying to just give it to God cause stress does not go well with my new life changes. I really am ok and I have some great days. I still love how amazing I feel now that I am active and fit. I really try to get out and jog as often as possible, I really want to get my time better and be under 30 minutes for my next 5K, probably Sept. 5. 

I am so excited for my vacation coming up, that will help my stress level a lot. I am going to vegas courtesy of my parents (a plane ticket) and my cousins Liz, Melissa, and Aimee and Aunt Karen (a room at mandalay bay with them). I am so excited to go and relax and enjoy adult time. I am trying to lose a few more pounds so I can look great in my swimsuit I just got, there is a beach at this hotel and I can't wait to lay out and have a yummy drink! 

Please keep my family in your prayers, I haven't openly really talked about it much but I am getting a divorce and my heart is broken but thankfully I am a new and more amazing person so I am handling it so much better than I ever could have in the past. My girls are the main thing now in my life and with God at the wheel we are off on a new adventure and I totally trust that God knows where we are going cause right now I am lost. Just pray please. Love you all!