What to do, what to do...

Patience is probably one of the hardest things for me to figure out, does anyone really have it down? I know I don't need someone in my life but then you get those lonely moments where you think about all those people who have someone and yet here I am still alone, and I made that choice. Still better to be this alone then that unhappy, worth it all. Here is the thing, I tried so many things, so many websites, the wrong ones, one that I thought was a good one but turned out to be a waste of my money. I did meet one guy on match.com that set my standards though. He was the first guy that I had those special feelings for, that excitement when I heard from him, the feeling that you can't wait to see him again and I have to admit that there were sparks when we kissed. Sadly though that didn't work out cause he turned out to be a coward not ready for a relationship and family. Haven't felt like that again and I won't settle for anything else. I get to be picky and choosy, have I not earned that?

I did join a great singles' group at my new church but I never really looked at it as a way to find a guy. I look at it as a way to meet fellow single believers and create a great group of friends. I have already met some great people and for those of you that know me well, I have really had to just be a new person. Before I would have never just walked into a new church by myself and had the guts to throw myself into a group but I had to do something. Thankfully God had a lot to do with that, started me out meeting great people that made me feel so welcome. I do worry of course, it is inevitable. I worry about lots of little things.

Here is the thing, I am thinking of joining eHarmony. It is more expensive and still yet another website but it is supposed to be the best, my mom has even asked me about joining it. And I did join the free version but not paying for it all you can see is some profile information about the person and I do like some of what I see on who they are connecting me to but I can't know much till I can see them and communicate with them.

Some days I just want to sit back and enjoy being just me, me and my girls and this nice little life we have started and just wait for God to put His plans in motion. Other days I want to be looking and meeting people. I am not finding guys in my daily life. I keep waiting for all my friends and family who are couples to hook me up with that great single guy that they know but so far that is not happening either.

I just feel so frustrated some days, I am a wonderful woman with so much to offer, why doesn't anyone want to be with me. Ok I have had a few guys that I have had to turn away that did want me and many I had to turn away that wanted me. But I do have so many things that I want in that guy that I end up with. And as we all know I am no longer just thinking about myself, any guy that gets me gets two amazing little girls in the deal. I have to have someone great when it comes to what I deserve and what they deserve, pretty sure I am not finding that on a website. I will just keep praying and take this time to get my life together. God please grant me patience please or a great man, either will help me out a whole lot.

You Make Me Smile

There are times when I tell myself that I am going to write a book, but so far haven't really gotten to that point. So here I am blogging. I decided to start making this about all of me, not just the weight loss story. I will still throw a few of those in there just so I keep up with my fitness and have the support and people keeping me accountable. Lately there are so many things that I would like to share about my beautiful, strange, loud, crazy, wonderful little girls.

My life revolves around these two little people, my babies that are now growing entirely too fast. They make me smile (the title...) and they make me laugh; they make me cry and they make me mad. This job was not meant to do alone but I think so far I am getting the hang of it and I can only keep getting better and keep learning, they change so much everyday. There is a song that says "you're gonna miss this" and I know that I will one day. There are days that I just wish they were 12 and 16 (yikes, scary!) and then there are days I want them to stay my innocent little girls. Terrifying thoughts of the adolescent years run through my mind at times and I pray that we make it through.

I know it is going to take so many years for my kids to really truly understand the love I have for them. It took me having my own children to finally have that true respect and thankfulness for all that my parents did and all that they were and are. This parenting thing never ends, never. When your children grow they are still yours and you want to protect them and never let them hurt but they are going to. And there is nothing you can do but watch and feel your heart break right along with them and then help them pick up the pieces. I am truly blessed and am so proud of the family that I came from. I doubt she will ever read this so I can talk about her... My sister Molly, I hope that one day she understands the amazing people that are our parents, she is so ungrateful and young and naive, one day she will know, I pray.

Back to Emma and Ruby; Emma is so much fun and I see her little brain working all the time, she is learning to read and to write and she is still my little artist. She is constantly drawing and if you ask what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that she wants to be an art teacher, I really think that is what she will do to. She is a lot like me at that age, or so people tell me. She is very sensitive and cries easily, she has so much energy and is so good at making friends, she makes friends wherever we go. She is my beautiful, fiery little red head and I love seeing her progress in life. I can't believe my little baby is gonna be 7 this summer.

My little baby is no longer my little baby. She is two going on sixteen! She cracks me and so many people up. She has such a crazy huge vocabulary for a child her age, thanks very much to her big sister. I of course think that she is pretty brilliant too. The other day I was cleaning the house and she came up to me wearing a princess dress and grabbed my hand and said, "Dance with me!" I nearly cried, I will never, ever tell my child no when they ask me to dance with them, or read to them, or love on them, these are the moments that will come back to me when she is actually 16 and screaming that she hates me as she storms to her room. She is very intent on making sure people know she is Ruby, you call her anything else, for instance my dad calls her Rastus, she says, "i'n not Rastus, I Ruby!"

Well I could go on and on about them and life as a single mom but I will stop for now. I am so lucky and even though it is so hard and I am so very thankful for every time that I get a break, I got the much better end of the deal. At one time I though our family was broken but it really isn't. We are an amazing little family and have such a huge family of people in our lives that love us and support us. There could be a day that we add to our little family but as of right now I am content and excited for what is to come. I am not sitting around waiting, we are living life and loving life. My girls and I are doing great and I thank a very awesome God for getting us where we are and I pray that as He has in the past He constantly keeps us in his hands.