A New new Me

So this used to be just about the new me weight loss wise but now there have been so many changes, I truly am a new person and I decided to keep up with the blogging, not sure if anyone still reads or not. I am now officially single, the divorce is final. Seems so strange to be single, haven't been single since I was a teenager, not quite sure how to do it.

I haven't gained any weight, maintenance has actually been pretty easy. I know my limits, I still keep a good diet, mostly. I try to keep active but find it VERY hard to work out. I am so busy and active with work and everything I am still feeling good and for a while there I would run whenever possible, still my favorite thing to do, just not in the cold!

I am getting a gym membership for Christmas, that is all I really want. It will mean I have to pay $30/month for childcare at the gym but it is worth it to me. First of all I will be able to stay fit and even loose more and secondly I will get some much needed time to myself and it will be fun for the girls too. Excited about that! I do have about 15 pounds still that I want off, maybe more, depending, not gonna quit. Still frustrated with the whole skin issue, the more I lose the worse it is and nothing can fix it except very expensive surgery. It is just so hard to feel so good about all I have done but still hate my body. Oh well, someday it will happen, it is a goal I have set and it will happen some day!

The girls and I are doing pretty great here in our cute little place. I love being here in Olathe, so close to everything and my parents have been a HUGE help, the help keep me sane. This job was not meant to do alone. Parenting is a 2 person job and for one person it just isn't fair but I know that I will make it through. Some days when I am just sitting here alone I really think too much but I am truly happy. I am learning to be happy on my own, to be strong and confident. If one day there is a special someone in my life that would make me very happy but for now I am just going to enjoy the single life. I need to know who I am and be a strong independent woman, a good example for my girls.

I realized something the other day. Emma used to have terrible nightmares at our old house. She would yell out and cry in her sleep and I recently realized that she hadn't done it since we moved in here. I couldn't figure it out till now. I really think it was a lot to do with that house and Kevin and I. That house was filled with anger, hurt, pain, and sadness and it was all around her for a long time. Now she is living here and there hasn't been any fighting, yelling, tears or upset and I think she is free from the nightmares. Now there is happiness, confidence, and so much strength surrounding her.

Ok that is it for now. I will keep it up now, this is a crazy busy time of year but I love it. More to come...

Coming out of that Tunnel!

So as I mentioned before I was seeing that little light at the end of the tunnel and I am finally coming through that tunnel. Got moved out of Raymore and into my place in Olathe, was worried about finances and a job but that all worked out, especially with the help of my amazing parents, couldn't have done any of this without them. Love my new job, love the people I work with and really enjoy what I do, except the getting sick part, we keep getting sick! I do find that I have very little time for exercise and I do not get to run near as much as I would like to, I did do another 5K and really enjoyed it, did better than the last one even though I had the flu that week! 

Paperwork got done and filed and things are rolling and that will all be finalized in a month, finally free from that title that has been holding me back lately. I have been dating but I can be officially dating then, not that that is the most important thing to me at all. It is very stressful being a single mom, very looking forward to this week. Kevin is coming home so I get a much needed break from the girls and they get some much needed time with their dad. Kevin and I are getting along well which is helpful since there is a lot to deal with as parents. 

My big decision right now is whether to spend $300 on a treadmill or a gym membership. Fitness is so important to me that I have to have something, I can't give it up  and it is so hard to do any thing right now. A treadmill would be super convenient but also boring, but I do love running. A gym membership w/ childcare may not even be affordable, I need to check. It would be more inconvenient but I would have to do it, just thinking about getting the girls bundled up to go out into the cold just so I can work out. Quite a decision and I need to make it soon, any advice?

Well I will keep up the work, I am still keeping super busy and I try to go up and down my stairs as often as possible and get in a run whenever I possibly can. I am trying to eat well but with my being sick my appetite is so off, not eating well at all, lots of weight loss shakes. I was bad and had pizza the other day, my first one I have ordered since my life change, also probably the last, remembered why I don't like it! Thanks to those of you still keeping up with me. I am really happy and in such a good place right now (little secret: met a great guy and I think it could really be something, I'll keep you updated).

A Long Journey ahead

So lately music has really been my release. I listen to it all the time and get so much inspiration from it. I especially love running to music. There are some songs that really just get me going and keep me motivated. What I have learned the most lately is that life takes time. I really am just going to have to become a more patient person. Hard for me though, I am the kind of person who wants things planned and now I have to let that go. There is no plan, just live day to day and trust that God will keep showing me the way. I have everything going for me so I just have to realize that I am where I am supposed to be right now and I don't have to worry about a few years down the road, tomorrow is enough to plan and deal with. 

Update: Weight loss is mostly maintaining right now. I feel amazing and haven't quit anything. I still eat right and exercise when I can, not as much as I would like, life has been pretty busy, but no excuses. I did buy my first size 8 jeans! I was dancing in the dressing room. I did see a doctor about a tummy tuck or technically an abdomnioplasty. He said it is the only way to solve my problem of the extra skin, it will never firm up or go away and will only get worse the more I lose (yeah! good news day (sarcasm)). So he gave me an idea of the cost and it comes almost to $7000! Yeah so doesn't seem like something that I will ever get. It's a dream, maybe one day. I did another 5K today, loved it and can't wait to do more. I love spending time with the whole Kolenda family. And praise God for a good doctor appt for Kevin's grandma. 

Things are coming along everywhere, house is in contract, waiting to hear from the bank. Kevin and I signed papers and things are finally moving on and we are getting along. I start my job this week and am so excited and stressed at the same time, gonna be hard work but it will keep me busy and help make time go by. One day it will get easier but I love where I work and the people I work with. Ok well I have gone on and on and really should stop now. Thanks for listening and caring and praying, don't stop. Love you all.

Back on Track

So I have not gained any weight but I don't really think I have lost much in the past month so here I go again, back on track. I started up the Alli again (thanks to my Marcia!). I am getting in my daily workouts, making it a priority. It is going to get more and more difficult to be doing all this with all that is coming up in my life. Packing, selling everything, moving, starting a job, all that there is to do is a bit overwhelming but I have so much support and help, amazing family and awesome friends. I would not be able to do this without all the great people in my life, everyone who has been available to me for words of advice, encouragement, or just to listen and be understanding. This whole part of my life has been and continues to be more difficult than so many can even imagine but I have to keep up my new outlook. I became a confident, beautiful and strong woman in the past year and that is what is getting me through this. 

I have so many fears and worries but I have learned to give those to God cause otherwise I would be weighed down by it all. I pray for so many things that sometimes I feel like I am asking too much. God help me find the right job, help me to keep up my weight loss, help me to be a good mom even when I don't know how to make it through another day with these strong willed children, help me not to get too stressed about the house selling and all the paperwork involved with divorce, help the hurt to stop and help me to not feel so lonely and unloved. But on the other hand I need to praise God.

Thank You for amazing parents who are doing so much more for me than anyone deserves, thank You for awesome extended family who pray for me and are there to talk or help when they can, thank You for keeping me strong when I feel like breaking, thank You for friends who are there for me, mostly God thank You so much for my beautiful little strong willed girls who help me see beauty and are the reason I wake up everyday, they are worth everything that I have been through and I hope I am the best mom I can be through everything. I want them to look up to me and I know that I can't protect them from everything but I just pray they see my strength and faith and my struggle and learn to be strong women too.

exciting but depressing...

So I have a before and after and I am totally embarrassed by how I used to look. I am so proud of how far I have come. The before pics were taken April '08 and the after shots June '09. I really hate that I was so big, it is hard to look at. I think that that was my biggest, besides being pregnant with Ruby (even bigger then) these are the photos that helped make me realize that I had to finally do this. I am so glad to be at the after part with the finish line just in sight. 

Before

After!

So happy!

Thanks so much for everyone's support and love and encouragement. I am still going and never quitting, I love my new life-style and you just wait in a few months people may have to call me "Tiny"! Only about 20 pounds to go, yeah at first I said 145 and I am only a few pounds from there but after all I have done I know I can get to 130 and who knows, maybe more. But I am happy now, healthy and loving life. God is good.

Here are two more! 4th of July '08 and then 4th of July '09, can't believe I used to look like that! Gonna be even smaller soon!!!

I finally did it again!

I got on the scale!!! I was so scared that it would be a disappointing number but it was 151! Down from 168!!! I am so happy, my goal is within eyesight and I have come so far. My BMI was over 43 and now it is 29! I am so happy and healthy and alive. Now I am off to Vegas and couldn't be more excited! I will write more when I get back!

Time to update

Life has been totally stressful lately. I did do two more 5K's and I loved it! I got my time better on both, even got down to 31:30 for the mother's day 5K! I was excited. Still haven't weighed but I will soon. I am totally stressed about the house and about my situation with my marriage. I am really trying to just give it to God cause stress does not go well with my new life changes. I really am ok and I have some great days. I still love how amazing I feel now that I am active and fit. I really try to get out and jog as often as possible, I really want to get my time better and be under 30 minutes for my next 5K, probably Sept. 5. 

I am so excited for my vacation coming up, that will help my stress level a lot. I am going to vegas courtesy of my parents (a plane ticket) and my cousins Liz, Melissa, and Aimee and Aunt Karen (a room at mandalay bay with them). I am so excited to go and relax and enjoy adult time. I am trying to lose a few more pounds so I can look great in my swimsuit I just got, there is a beach at this hotel and I can't wait to lay out and have a yummy drink! 

Please keep my family in your prayers, I haven't openly really talked about it much but I am getting a divorce and my heart is broken but thankfully I am a new and more amazing person so I am handling it so much better than I ever could have in the past. My girls are the main thing now in my life and with God at the wheel we are off on a new adventure and I totally trust that God knows where we are going cause right now I am lost. Just pray please. Love you all!

I did it!

I ran my first 5K and I feel really good about it. I didn't come in last and there were tons of people slower than me. I did it in a little over 35 minutes, which I think is great for my first time, I thought it would be 40 or more. My next one is in 2 weeks and it will have a lot more hills so I don't know if my time will improve or not. I wish I could train everyday but it is difficult cause pulling a wagon or pushing a stroller makes things difficult.
I haven't gotten on the scale in a while, I said I would at easter but I just am not ready. I hate to be disappointed. The scale has always been a source of disappointment in my life before now but it still scares me. I just keep enjoying the fact that I need smaller clothes and I feel great.
I realized the other day that I wasn't going to reach my goal, which at this current moment I don't remember, I will have to go back and look. But I am so happy with my progress and since it is now my life-style then I will just continue to lose and eventually get to the place I want. I had such a great moment the other day, it may sound totally trashy but it really made my week! I was walking into a store that is right on sante fe (payless shoes) and it is right by a red light and as I was walking it I heard a loud whistle and someone yelled "Sexy!", it could have been a very trashy guy but I didn't look or care, I just kept strutting my stuff! Well I will let you know if I ever get on the scale and I will update you on my running progress.

new goals, get back on track

Well there is so much going on in my life right now that I really can't go into just yet. But I have been stressed and feeling depressed lately and have been slacking on work outs. I got a really good long work-out at the gym on Saturday and it felt great. It really is a release, just wish I could get out running more often. I am looking forward to a few upcoming 5K's that I am doing. 

I am determined to get back on track but stressing about selling the house and getting moved is weighing me down. I just want to be moved on to the next step in my life but I do have a greater determination than before. I will be skinny, sexy and healthy and happy. Please pray for my strength and for my life. I know I will survive, it is just hard to see the sunshine through the rain. I had fun dress shopping with my mom, for the first time we could try on the same clothes and after a near laughing asthma attack in the dressing rooms, I found a great dress, my mom is easily amused. I tried on a few size 10 dresses and they would look great with a little bit more toning, or some good slimming undergarments! Well keep my family in your prayers and I will let you all know how this week goes.

Thank you!

I just needed to put a note in here to say thank you so much to everyone for all he amazing support. I promise I couldn't have done it without you. All the words of encouragement, the comments, the emails, I am so lucky to have such an awesome support system. I especially need to thank my parents and Kevin's parents. They have done so much, their encouragement and motivational gifts and help have really gotten me to this point. They have done so much. Great new running shoes, my Alli medicine, new clothes for my new smaller body, getting to use the Kolenda's gym, it is awesome, thank you mom and dad and Bob and Cindy. 

I am a little apprehensive about some upcoming runs that I want to do. I want to do the Trolley run in April and I am doing a 5K on Mother's day, yikes. I wish I had more opportunity to go running but with the girls and this up and down weather it just doesn't work. I will just keep up with my work-outs and keep getting more fit.

My next thing I need to do is go to the doctor. I haven't been since I started my wright loss and I would like to talk to them about a few things, maybe have them send me to a sports medicine place. I need to talk about the problem with my belly fat, and about my knee hurting during certain exercises and my heel hurting. I am not making excuses or anything, I am not quitting or holding back any but these are things I just want to make sure that I am not causing long term damage. I am not worried about seeing a dietitian, I think I have my diet under control but I need to talk to someone about all the rest of it. 

Thank you all again, I have the most amazing family and friends, I love you all! Keep up the support, keep up the motivation, don't let me quit! Oh yeah! My mom gave me a pair of size 10 jeans of hers that were too short, THEY FIT!!! 

I got on the scale....

So I finally did it. I got down to 168! That is 50 lbs., I truly never thought I could do this, but now that I have come this far I am motivated and know that I can do anything. My size 12 pants are all very lose and I am close to getting to 10, I will be so happy and satisfied with size 8, that would get me back to the size I was in high school! I haven't been this size since my first year of marriage! I am using a lot of exclamations! But I am very happy!
I did it, I changed my life, I finally figured it out and even though I have farther to go, I know that I will get there. About 40 more pounds and I reach my goal and get to continue living a happier, healthier life. I am so excited that I am finally one of those kind of people who are in to fitness and exercise. I am going to keep it up forever, it is amazing to feel this way. I have so much energy, I get so much more done during the day and I have a great (though useless at the moment) sex drive (sorry again family). I don't miss regular soda and I haven't had a real pizza (just lean cuisine, kind) since I started this, I used to go to godfather's buffet and eat my whole days worth of calories or more. I didn't need stupid Dr. Phil's plan, or Jenny Craig or any of those, I didn't even need a gym! I just changed the way I eat and live and I am never going back. I hope this inspires others, cause if I can do it, seriously, ANYONE can do it.
My biggest downer on this whole thing is that now cause of my weight loss I have the dreaded useless hanging skin that I can't do anything about, when all is said and done I will go get a consultation for plastic surgery. I will desperately need a tummy tuck, and I don't think it is vain at all, it is necessary and what it would take to make this whole process worth while. I know with clothes on I will look great but I will still have to look in the mirror and feel disappointed. After all this hard work I want to just feel amazing not gross, and the vain side of me would like a boob lift too! OK people, keep up the comments and the support, I couldn't have done it without you!

Old Pictures Suck!

I hate seeing myself in old pictures and I can't wait to look back and see more change. I am not doing as well as I would like to, still cheating a bit, not a lot but I had a sonic burger today, but I had a luna bar for dinner to make up for it. I missed a work out or two, it is hard to keep track. When I started I did a journal of my exercise and food intake, maybe I need to do that again, probably. I am sure there is someplace online to do it. I did try on ore clothes, while cleaning out my closet and drawers, and nothing fits, I have a huge pile of clothes if anyone knows any short fat people who could use them. I know I should take them to goodwill, then I have nothing if I gain so I can't gain! I will NEVER ever go back to that. I am finally happy, healthy and unfortunately horny (sorry family), it would be much better if my hubby lived with me. I guess being fit and exercising make you frisky. I miss you Kevin!!! I work off that energy with more exercise. I am so sick of the weather going back and forth, I loved jogging the last two weekends but it is going to be cold tomorrow. I was jogging in a tank top last week and this week it is supposed to SNOW! I want to go back to Cali! Ok I will keep you all updated, I might get on the scale at the end of the month, as long as I do well the rest of the month. Ok, I promise to get on the scale, that way I have to work hard so I can see some great results, I am so hoping to be in the low 170's, maybe, I hope so. 

Great week!

I am so motivated again, so pumped up! Thank you so much to all of you who comment, call, email, etc. You have all given me such a boost. I had an awesome week. I didn't miss a work out and did above and beyond some days. I had a great jog yesterday, 3.8 miles and I did some actual running, needless to say I have very sore legs today. I am ready for another great week! I am not ready to get on the scale yet, maybe at the end of February. My size 12 jeans are already in need of a belt. 

It feels amazing to have people who haven't seen you in a while say how great you look, it really is keeping me going. What doesn't help is seeing the swim suits that are already out in stores, not ready for that yet, but hopefully when it is time to get out in the pool I will be ready and looking super hot! 

I am glad that I am getting others motivated. Seriously if I can do it, anyone can, believe me. And so far I haven't had to deprive myself, although I should keep away from a few things, especially chocolate. I did find 100 calorie pack Twinkies! And Peppermint patties are low-cal too! Ok well I have a busy week ahead, lots of working out to do, need to get some good sleep. I love you all and thank you all so much for your support and motivation.

Lots of Prayers

Praying has been such an important part of my life and God has always provided and taken care of us in so many ways but right now he is saying the ever famous "WAIT". And I am not a patient person. I have several prayers lately and I know He is not ignoring me but He is telling me to hold on, He has it under control but still it is hard for me to give up that control when I am trying so hard to stay positive and keep the good momentum I had before. 

I am really dragging on my work outs, just making excuses, and I hate when people make excuses so I kicked my own butt today for that. I have cheated too and eaten some McDonalds and Arbys, now I didn't eat near what I would have before but still need to not go there, it is just so easy to grab it with the kids instead of making a mess in the kitchen or eating another microwave low fat meal. But for the most part I am staying on track. 

Right here and now I am promising that I am back on track. God has a plan, I am giving him my worries and my weight loss and I am going to go back to being the positive, happy and SKINNIER person I am now. Thanks to so many of you who tell me that I look good and that you are proud of me, it really really helps. 

Also please pray for Kevin's grandma, she is having surgery to remove the last of the cancer from her body and we all just pray that things go well and that the cancer will be gone for good and she comes through it all feeling much better.

I still feel fat

I have so far to go people. I looked at all the pictures from Christmas and although I am smaller than previous pictures I am still the fat one in all of them. It is motivating, it makes me want to work hard. I feel good at the moment cause I just worked out for almost 2 hours. But I didn't get a work out in this weekend even though it was a gorgeous day on Saturday. I wanted to go jog so badly but we were having a family Christmas so I didn't get to.  Well I need to get some rest, Ruby is sick again so I expect to be up half the night again. Keep me in your prayers, I can't do this alone. Over Christmas I got so many compliments and it made me feel great. I have to keep going and not give up, I need to work harder.

It's a new year!

Hmmm, I wonder what my new year's resolution will be...

My resolution is that next year, for the first time in my adult life, losing weight will not be my new year's resolution. I have to tell the truth, December has been tough and I probably only worked out like 6 times. I was so sick for the first two weeks, with sick kids as well. Then all the prep for Christmas and then Kevin arriving and then all the festivities. And I also admit I ate too much but still a whole lot less than I would have in the past. And I am still off regular pop! Now things have calmed back down. We can finally get a good schedule going. I truly miss jogging though and I am so ready to get back to it, but the weather is not cooperating. I hate cold and it is going to be cold for a while. I really want to do a 5K, that is my other resolution. I am just really afraid of it cause anyone I know who has done it can actually run and I don't run and I think I would be the last one behind tons of people. 

One of my greatest Christmas gifts was my size 12 jeans! Yes size 12, my 14's are now falling down, so it looks like my bad month didn't ruin me. I was doing a dance in the fitting room cause they fit so well! I can't wait to keep going down. I am going to use some Christmas money to buy some more Alli, cause I really think it is helping. I also bought (with Christmas money) a 5-lb weight ball, more (smaller) work out clothes, 2 new dvd's, and we got the Fit TV Channel now so I have all kinds of work outs. You should see my DVR, it has like 15 workouts recorded. I can never get bored again! 

My goals:

lose more weight (duh)

size 8 by this summer!

jog a 5K

jog a 5K in under 40 minutes!

Things I want to do when I am smaller:

buy a cute swimsuit

go to Vegas

ride a mechanical bull

get pictures taken

try on my wedding dress (if I am an 8 than it will be too big!)

I wish you all a very happy and healthy new year. I hope some of you can be inspired like me and just do it, if I can anyone can.